Random Thoughts While Watching The Oscars

Oh fuck off Justin Bieber. Just because you made a joke about why he’s there doesn’t make it relevant.

The self-depreciating humour in the opening Billy Crystal reel is kinda…lame.

Crystal stretching Tom Cruise’s cheeks is the most expression they’ve ever shown.

Why do we have the Dark Dimension version of Tom Hanks?

Don’t show me Forrest Gump, I’m still pissed it won over Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption.

What is the theme of this montage and why the fuck is Twilight in it?

Oh Cameron Diaz, it’s so good to see a platypus making it in the biz.

The period pieces get the costume design nominations? What a shock! I sometimes forget that costumes can’t carry any meaning, require research or need any form of creativity if they’re set in the modern day. Not unlike, say, Drive.

Can we just rename the Make-Up award the ‘Biggest Prosthetic’ award? That seems to be the only criteria.

Pro-tip: if you want to add a sense of quality and class to an occasion do NOT include Ben Stiller and Adam Sandler in the proceedings. Especially if they talk about Sean Connery’s chest hair.

See? Christian Bale can class up the joint. Should’ve rolled him out earlier.

Jessica Chastain wins the award for best response to being nominated.

So Octavia Spencer was inspired by Sally Field’s reaction to winning an Oscar. Pity her reaction was 90% cut-aways to Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Angelina Jolie.

Wizard of Oz jokes. How very topical.

Um Editing award? That idiotic split screen effect makes it really difficult to actually SEE the editing in the film.

Likewise, play some of the sound editing clips without the host talking over the top.

“George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Demian Bichir, Jean Dujardin and Gary Oldman are all nominated for the same Oscar…will one of them take home the statue?”

Um…yes? One of the nominees may win the award?

Kermit and Piggy! Finally some real talent!

FUCK OFF GWENYTH PALTROW I HATE YOU. Seriously you’re cramping RDJ’s style.

Is it just me or does Chris Rock put the same inflection on every single sentence?

Everyone seems to be making jokes about how much money they make. They must be confused about their target audience being middle class workers facing an economic recession.

Why is Ben Stiller back? Have you forgotten what I said about classing the event up already? He’s cancelling out Emma Stone!

No effects award for Rise of the Planet of the Apes, no nomination for Andy Serkis or Tintin – why does the Academy hate motion capture?

Well played Christopher Plummer. Well played.

Bret McKenzie from Flight of the Conchords just won an Oscar for writing a song for The Muppets. Ever argument ever has been rendered invalid.

Now Dean Pelton just won an Oscar for writing a drama? Who slipped the acid into my tea? His Jolie pose is seriously cracking me up.

Please please please stop the clips of the most uncharismatic actors in the business talking about ‘movies’.

I guess Natalie Portman didn’t get the memo that white and blacks were the only colours permitted in clothing this year.

His performance brought back memories of the Silent Film Era? Just how old are you, Natalie?

Tom Cruise presenting best picture is insulting. But after Jim Rash I don’t care what else happens.

The Tally:

Jokes About How Much Money They Make: 27

Lame Movie Title Pun: 11

Random Pat-On-The Back Applause: 13

Self-deprecating Jokes: 9

Awkward Silences Following ‘Funny’ Moments: 18