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Avengers Month: Ten Characters We Won’t See in ‘The Avengers’

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Soon The Avengers will be making their big-screen debut, and we’re excited. We’ve got all the big name like Iron Man, Thor, Capt. America and Hulk. For good measure we’ve got badass characters like Nick Fury, Black Widow and Hawkeye. No doubt Marvel will be extra keen to spin-out a franchise, bringing together some of the other awesome Avengers like Black Panther, Giant Man and The Wasp.

Then there’s The Avengers that we’re not going to see on the big screen. We’re talking about…

1. The Swordsman

He has a sword.

Meets The Swordsman, otherwise known as Jacques Dequesne. He has a sword. Born into privilege as part of a European family he did train Clint Barton, later Hawkeye, in how to use a sword and a bow only to for the two to have a falling out. He then continued to commit crime. Using a sword. Later he wanted to join the Avengers but was rejected due to being wanted for sword related crimes. He took the news badly and tried to kill Capt. America with a sword. He was then accepted in the Avengers to fight alongside them using a sword. He doesn’t have any powers, but he does have a sword.

Why He Won’t Be in a Movie: By the time he manages to get to the battle (with his sword) the actual super-powered characters would’ve done the job already.

2. The Black Knight

“The Black Knight always triumphs! I am invincible!”

Meet Dane Whitman. He also has a sword. And no other powers. For a while he had ‘magic senses’ but no longer. Born American he has the misfortune to be the descendent of a man called Sir Percy and must become The Black Knight. When he first encountered to Avengers they kicked his ass under the mistaken impression that he was someone else (possibly the Swordsman). He was then offered a part on the team to make up for accidentally pummeling him. He was selected to become one of the lame Defendor’s in the Ultimate Marvel Universe who were the butt of jokes for real superheroes. He usually missed out on missions because he was stuck in traffic.

Why He Won’t Be in a Movie: Considering we won’t be seeing ‘The Swordsman’, having a similarly themed character dressed in a tin can is unlikely.

3. Two-Gun Kid

“Ma’am.”

Yet another guy with no actual super powers, just a reliance on weapons rendered obsolete by the rest of the Avengers and their villains. Matt Hawk does, however, have an excuse for being a cowboy-themed superhero in that he was born in the old west where he worked as a lawyer before turning vigilante. For some reason he later traveled through time and joined The Avengers. He would use his old fashioned firearms next the plasma cannon blasts provided by Iron Man, rendering him useless.

Why We Won’t See Him in a Movie: It’s hard enough for the directors to come up with a way to make Capt. America look relevant in this day and age without including an even campier looking time traveler. Also, he’s a cowboy.

4. Demolition Man aka D-Man

The ‘D’ is for Dipshit.

D-Man may look like a cheap Wolverine knock-off…and he is. Except without the claws. Or the ability to heal himself. Dennis Dunphy does have enhanced strength and is resilient to injuries. He’s not even that strong, needing performance enhancers when he was working as a wrestler. After he had his butt handed to him in the ring by another superhero wrestler, The Thing, he took this as a sign that he should battle other super-powered people as a crime fighter. It seems that ol’ D-Man took one to many blows to the head. Oh yeah…and he has a heart condition preventing him from doing much.

Why We Won’t See Him in a Movie: Sigh. He’s not as strong as anyone else on the team, not as fast as anyone else, not as smart or as good a fighter. Plus he has to stop halfway through the battle for a breather.

5. Stingray

“Whooooosh!”

During an early draft of this article I’d included the Falcon. He’s a fan favourite who would be silly looking in a movie because his only ‘power’ involves strapping on a pair of wings and flapping about. The only value he would add is the shit that Tony Stark would lay on him for being lame. Then I came across Stingray. He’s basically the same deal but with the added bonus of the wing suit included a little oxygen tank to zip about under water. While Falcon could at least fly, Stingray limits himself to underwater. Really handy if Aquaman gets uppity.

Why We Won’t See Him in a Movie: Unless they come up with an interesting enough underwater enemy, he’d have to stay at the base and do laps.

6. Rage

Forget it. He’s outty.

Making his first appearance in 1990, Rage was a none-to-subtle attempt by Marvel by bring some African-American faces into the mix. Whilst he was on his way home from basketball practice in Brooklyn, Elvin Daryl Haliday was doused in toxic waste somehow. This logically made him stronger and bigger, so he logically decided to fight crime in a costume. He then confronted Captain America about there not being enough black people in The Avengers. Capt. America gave him a whopping and sent him packing, but he wound up tagging along anyway and becoming everyone’s whipping boy in the process. Also, his abilities help him jump higher which he uses during basketball and his fighting style is described as ‘street’.

Why We Won’t See Him in a Movie: Marvel don’t want to be accused of perpetrating a hate crime.

7. Living Lightning

Sup.

As a child Miguel Santos discovered that his father was involved in an ‘extremist’ group called the Legion of Living Lightning. He was then involved in an accident with the Legion’s ‘experimental lightning weapon’ that turned him into the ‘Living Lightning’. His power is to become lightning that is living and he is one of the most boring people ever drawn in a comic. He’s the type of character who the writers kill off when bored. He’s so boring that under his special powers on his Wikipedia page they’ve included ability to speak English and Spanish. Later in his run the writers tried to make him interesting. When asked to join the Great Lakes Avengers, or GLA, he accepted under the mistaken impression that he was joining the Gay and Lesbian Alliance making it one of the most awkward ways to ever out a character.

Why We Won’t See Him in a Movie: Unless they need a character who could fight world threatening enemies by being gay in both English and Spanish, he’s pointless.

8. Marvel Boy

By viewing this picture you have been added to the FBI watch list.

For quite some time now the notion of boy sidekicks in the superhero universe has been an uncomfortable one. Part of the reason is that their costumes seemed to be specifically designed for people to make crude jokes about them. The most famous of the sidekicks, Robin, has been redesigned to wear a full body outfit and fight with awesome ninja skills while making snide comments about murdering people and they still haven’t shaken the reputation as some kind of boy toy for a perverted old man. Wonder Boy encompasses everything that was awkward about boy sidekicks, with his original incarnation even being tied to ancient Greece.

Why We Won’t See Him in a Movie: No-one in their right mind is putting a young boy wearing tight blue speedos and a cape on the big screen – not unless they want to pay a visit to Roman Polanski.

9. Jack of Hearts

“Pew pew!”

This guy is a mess of ideas. He’s a mutant. He’s super strong. He can fly in space. He can shoot energy beams. He has super-intelligence. He wears special armour. He can think really fast because of the computer ship in his brain. He’s a skilled fighter. He can write really good poetry (no, I didn’t make that up for comedic effect). If you think he sounds like a low-budget version of Iron Man, so did Iron Man who briefly took Jack of Hearts on as an apprentice. Later Jack killed himself.

Why We Won’t See Him in a Movie: Imagine if Iron Man wasn’t a reckless playboy but a poet. That’s why.

10. Amadeus Cho

Derp.

If you think that’s an odd code name it’s because it’s not a code name. He doesn’t have one. Amadeus Cho won a ‘young genius’ competition and people noticed that he has super brainyness. His official power is that he has the natural ability to identify the variables and quantum possibilities in any situation. His trademark is riding a vespa. It has been noted that his intellect is also his one weakness.

Why We Won’t See Him in a Movie: Because it’s a super-hero movie, not an 80’s movie made by Disney.

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Comments
5 Responses to “Avengers Month: Ten Characters We Won’t See in ‘The Avengers’”
  1. Jamie Z. says:

    Haha great article!

    Like

  2. darknite125 says:

    No D-Man no peace!!!!

    Like

  3. slamadams says:

    I only read Black Knight in 1 title and it was Captain Britain and MI: 13, which was a damn cool book. Black Knight was pretty badass, and I hate to be nicky, but Black Widow and Hawkeye don’t have superpowers either.

    Like

  4. Hannah Ezra says:

    Hilarious! This is great.

    Like

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