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Thoughts while watching Battleship (a review-recap)

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Here I go… no, I did not lose any bets… I’m doing this by my own free will!

You know a movie is going to be “good” when they have to set up the whole thing with scrolling letters! I did not come here to read… where’s my friggin’ movie!!??

Something something distant planet, reached for contact, satellites, space.

Apparently the director (Peter Berg) went to the JJ Abrahms school of lens flares.

Hey it’s Old Christine’s Brother!

So they found another planet that holds life, didn’t you just tell us that when you made us READ!!

Stone Temple Pilots… I is sad!

Poor Taylor Kitschs. He has problems because he’s drinking, he has nothing to offer… (art imitates life)

Eric Northam!!!!

Generic hot white chick alert, but she’s probably ‘smarte’ but you know… boobs (sources tell me that’s Boobklin Dickher)

It’s Edgar! From 24!

This film is trying to be comedi… SERIOUSLY? The Pink Panther theme??!?!?!??!?!??!!!!!!! Oh look, he fell… ha… ha…

So, Taylor Kitcsh is kitcshy, he went to get a burrito to impress Brooklyn, a convenience store got trashed and a few cars crashed and he ended up being tased. I kinda wish this was the premise of the whole movie, but in this context, it just doesn’t work.

Where are the friggin aliens dammit?

Suddenly Eric Northam is all pissed, he’s all soldierly? Why? Guess he’s about to say it… What’s the punishment? “You’re joining me IN THE NAVY!

BOOOM!! Battleship titles. THINGS ARE GETTING IN-TENSE!!!

lol Perd Hapley is on TV, making Battleship a part of the same universe as Parks and Recreations

This movie is like a “hey it’s that guy from that TV show” museum.

Football (soccer whatever)??? Seriously! Where are the stupid transformaliens???

Hey it’s Rhianna not stopping the music.

Considering the US public, it seems that with the use of soccer they just WANTED to make this movie as LAME as ever.

Say hello to the movie douche, will he die? Will he redeem himself? No one cares!

And now it’s the new kid that *SPOILER* that *SPOILER* from Breaking Bad.

Oh no… something is happening in OUTERSPACE! Finally! …aww we’re back to earth.

Well at least we’re getting a tiny dosage of Liam Neesoness.

Douche tries to act cool.

Funny things are trying to happen.

I don’t understand what they’re saying, and frankly I don’t care.

Of course Brooklyn Decker is Liam Neeson’s daughter!

More uncomic reliefness.

lol, confession time, I didn’t know that douche I talked about was still Taylor Kitsch, I was beginning to wonder where he was when I finally realized it was the same guy *facepalm*, I guess he just has an unremarkable face and they just seemed to skip like months of stuff that happened just like that, including a hair cut.

I knew it! Brooklyn Decker is supposed to be ‘smarth’! She’s a physical therapist and is now getting all emotional with a guy who lost his legs. Cue the sappy music.

“I’m half the man, and half a man ain’t enough to be a soldier…” groan

Only an hour 42 minutes to go… :(

The score is like a mix of inception and transformers.

“take a look at this!” YES!!! Bring it shipticons!!

Hey waddaya know… I chuckled.

Splooooosh!

Woohoo destruction!!!! MORE DESTRUCTION IN SLOOOWMOOO!!!!!

Well hello Peter MacNicol! Welcome to the “hey it’s that guy from that TV show” museum!

Liam Neeson is worried, better turn back aliens!!!

“Who’s communication what? To who?”

I think I could have liked this movie if nobody talked… ok, maybe let Neeson talk, but that’s about it.

As each second passes I can think of less and less of something to write, I can literally feel my neurons dying.

The board is set! Your move humans!!!

Poor Liam Neeson…

I aaam MegaMEEEGAAtrooon!

Megamegatron is going all freewilly on Rhianna and that kid from Breaking Bad.

lol pegs bombs, they sunk their battleship!

Good bye Eric Northam, they took you out too early, but it was necessary so Kitcshy can AVENGE YOU!

Turns out Kitchsy’s in charge now… things are getting interesting! …NOT!

More destruction… more SLOW MO!

Alien VS Kid!

Aww… Aliens are not so bad! Except for the fact that a lot of people including a few children must’ve died during the collapse of a freeway bridge.

Ohh I forgot about Decker and no-legs guy. You can DO IT no-legs guy!!

This can also be called the “bad acting” museum.

YES! You GO no-legs man! Defy authority to prove that YES you can!

So they got a live one, and it looks almost human… I honestly kinda dig that.

I think getting punched by a huge steel creature would be a death blow.

“Mahalo MotherF…” haha, oh dear gods why?

Well at least they gave Rihanna a bigass gun to shoot

So it’s not only battleship but battleisland as well

“Is he a cyborg??” OldChristine’s brother talking about no-legs man… *majoreyeroll*

I am officially bored.

They actually managed to create a grid-like warzone, just like the board game. I can at least give them props for that. I wouldn’t think that could be possible B4!

Hey waddaya know, a cool scene! …ugh, ruined by slowmo.

Hey this scene is like Hulk chasing down Black Widow… except it’s Breaking Bad kid vs rolling ball with spikes, close enough.

“Let’s see if we can buy the world another day?”
“Who talks like that?”
Ha… at least they noticed.

“We have a Battleship!” #Ilikeitwhenmoviesmentiontheirnames

Cranking out the AC/DC, it’s MONTAGE TIME MADAFAKAS!!!!

Navy veterans on board, that’s actually kinda cute.

One of them says “holy shit”, it’s a cheap joke but it actually works.

“let’s drop some led on those motherf…” for some reason, old people cursing is humorously adorable.

Brooklyn Decker can DRIVE!!! *yawn*

Your turn no-legs man! “I got this”OF COURSE YOU DO!!! Go GO GO!!

If this was realistic no legs man would have turned into no-legs-nor-hand man.

DeuxF-15Machina!

The world is sav… ABRUPT IMMEDIATE CUT TO AWARD CEREMONY!

Star Wars this ain’t

…aaaand we’re back to this movie trying to be funny and seriously, poor, poor, poor Liam Neeson.

There’s a callback to the burrito scene and the whole thing ends up with Brooklyn and Kitschy exchanging a thumbs up.

*standsups and slowclaps*

FIN

Just a random pic of Brooklyn Decker to wash off the bad taste.

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Comments
3 Responses to “Thoughts while watching Battleship (a review-recap)”
  1. Very funny recap.

    Like

  2. Livi says:

    Oh my god…I’m at the library at school so I can’t laugh out loud, but MAN! Major giggles happening right now :DDDD

    In spite of all that, I loved Battleship. I know, I’m a terrible person and all that, but it was really really fun (and poorly cast, acted, aliens weren’t explained, uninteresting script, Alexander what’s-his-name DIED!! how dare you…) and yeah. Still really fun, in fact I think I’ll watch it again today… Go figure!!

    Like

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