Cast: Micahel Cera, Portia Doubleday, Jean Smart

Plot: Desperate virgin Nick Twisp employs an anachronistic alter ego to try and boost his chances with girls.

Review: If there’s one thing working against this indie comedy, it’s the cover art. Seriously, it looks bad for a straight to video movie from the ’80s. Nobody is going to pick this up on a whim.

Putting that aside, it’s a kooky, fun comedy that exists in some bizzare world between American Pie and Fight Club. Michael Cera stars as Nick Twisp, disenchanted nerdy youth who can’t get laid. In order to achieve this goal and get into the bed of the prickly Sheni he creates an evil alter-ego name Francious Dillinger who sends Twisp on a path of destruction, drugs and lunacy. Whilst Twisp is the typical Cera typecast, his performance as Dillinger is a step far, far to the left of centre and finally gives him the chance to show off some range, and lets to the movies best moments.

What doesn’t work in the film is how forced it feels. It tries really hard to shed Cera’s effeminate, wet blanket image (opening the film with him having a wank), tries really hard to be quotable to hipsters (printing quotes on the DVD case), tries really hard to be kooky and indie with cameos from actors like Buscemi and Long plus occasional stints of animation. In the end everything feels as though they’re trying so damn hard that the film would’ve been better if they’d relaxed and had more fun with it.

Score: SIX outta TEN

10. Monday (Season 6, Episode 14)

“Monday” has nothing to do with the overall arc. It isn’t even really about Mulder and Scully taking on a case. Mulder wakes up to find his waterbed broken. He needs to go to the bank to pay his landlord for the water damage. While at the bank, a would-be robber shoots Mulder and eventually blows up the building. And than everything happens all over again. Co-written by Breaking Bad‘s Vince Gilligan, this episode was inspired by The Twilight Zone episode, “Shadow Play,” but it has obvious connection to Groundhog Day. In fact, most tv shows seem to at one point do a Groundhog Day type episode, but what makes this feel a little more original, is that it is neither Mulder or Scully who is reliving the day over and over. It is a random women connected to the bank robber. It is a great episode that depicts how effective The X-Files was at embracing and reinventing the tropes of its’ genre.

9. Pusher (Season 3, Episode 17)

BIG TIME SPOILER FOR THIS ONE. I can’t talk about this episode with talking about the ending. It is what makes it so great in the first place. The title, “Pusher,” refers to this episode’s villain, Robert Modell. He is a contract killer who Mulder believes has a psychic ability to “push” people to do his bidding. This comes particularly handy when he pushes people to kill themselves than to actually incriminate himself. Mulder’s inquisitive mind forces him to look deeper. His investigation eventually leads to a hospital where Modell has been getting treatment for a brain tumor. Mulder comes to the conclusion that his brain tumor is the source of his psychic ability. The episode ends with Modell and Mulder at a table playing Russian Roulette, Mulder a slave to Modell’s “push” power.

8. The Post-Modern Prometheus (Season 5, Episode 5)

This might be one of the weirdest episodes of The X-Files. After a series of strange pregnancies, Mulder and Scully find themselves on a monster hunt for a creature dubbed The Great Mutato by a local amateur comic creator. It takes a lot of inspiration from the “Frankenstein” story especially the James Whale directed movie, hence, the whole episode being shot in black and white. Continuing its odd nature, there are clips from “The Jerry Springer Show” and a soundtrack made up of Cher songs, the Great Mutato’s favorite artist.

7. Bad Blood (Season 5, Episode 12)

“Bad Blood,” like “Monday,” takes advantage of another television trope that most tv shows eventually take advantage of, the same story from 2 different perspectives. Basically Mulder and Scully both narrate their versions of what happened on their most recent case to their supervisor, Skinner, after Mulder stakes their suspect in the heart. It is interesting to see how Mulder and Scully see each other. They both see the other as being the irritated and annoyed one. These differences in the story also extend to how that small town sheriff is portrayed (guest star Luke Wilson). Mulder sees him as a buck-toothed simpleton while Scully see him as an attractive charmer. I could be wrong, but I think this is the second and last time the duo investigate a case of vampirism. This one takes a more geek approach, depicting the vampires as modern morons while Mulder categorizes their weaknesses and even tries to use the usually ignored OCD condition.

6. Triangle (Season 6, Episode 3)

Mulder boards a cruise liner that has mysteriously appeared in the Bermuda Triangle. Once aboard, Mulder finds himself transported in time to 1939 during the outbreak of World War II. Nazis have taken over the cruise liner, and Mulder helps a familiar face (Gillian Anderson playing an old fashioned dame) take it back. It is notable because Mulder’s time on the ship is shot and edited to look as if it is one interrupted shot. Of course, it is eventually interrupted when The Lone Gunmen let present day Scully know about Mulder’s disappearance. Nevertheless, the gimmick and surprisingly light-hearted tone make “Triangle” one of the most fun episodes of The X-Files.

5. Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose (Season 3, Episode 4)

Often considered the best of the series, “Final Repose” is probably the most heartfelt episode. Clyde Bruckman (Peter Boyle) is a feeble old man who can see how people are going to die. When Clyde finds one of many dead fortune tellers, he is interviewed by Mulder and Scully and gives them information he could not possibly know. Mulder, believing he has a gift, invites him to help with the investigation. While the investigation is a classic twisty turny thriller, what makes this episode really great is Boyle’s performance. He is soft-spoken and sometimes a little too blunt and honest. He builds a fast relationship with Scully, who, of course, is skeptic of his ability.

4. Drive (Season 6, Episode 2)

This is the first time that writer Vince Gilligan and actor Bryan Cranston work together before making one of the best shows on television, Breaking Bad. Cranston is cast as a redneck bigot, who after the mysterious death of his wife, takes Mulder hostage and forces him to drive west. Driving west seems to lessen the pain that Cranston gets in his head. While Mulder is upset at being a hostage and having to listen to Cranston’s antisemitic slurs, he also feels an obligation to do the right thing and help him get over his illness. Scully investigates his house concluding that a Navy antenna emitting ELF waves has caused an increase in inner ear pressure thus the pain. It is one of the more thrilling episodes combining the ticking clock that is the oncoming western seaboard as well as the thrills that naturally come with a good car chase.

3. Beyond the Sea (Season 1, Episode 13)

The purpose of Beyond the Sea is to reverse the roles of Mulder and Scully as believer and skeptic. Scully, having just lost her father in a very haunting scene, falls for a charismatic death row inmate (played awesomely by Brad Dourif) who claims to have psychic powers. He tells Scully that he will be able to talk to her father for her. The inmate also wants a stay of execution if he helps with a kidnapping. I do not remember why Mulder feels so passionately skeptical about the situation, but it doesn’t really matter. This episode is about Scully. Despite her usual skepticism, she is a devout Christian. It’s something Mulder has tried to take advantage of a few times to get her to be more open-minded of his kind of paranormal. Her steadfastness further reinforces the contrast of Mulder’s obsessive search for truth and most people’s acceptance of the mystery. This is her most challenging episode yet as she has a crisis of faith with her father’s passing. It seems strange that they would tackle this idea so early into the series. They didn’t even finish season 1 before they started messing with the character relationship, but I suppose that is easy to say in retrospect. They probably never thought the show would make it 9 seasons after all.

2. The Unnatural (Season 6, Episode 9)

Before I revisited the series a year ago, this episode was my most memorable. It works like a classic monster-of-the-week episode, but it still deals with an alien. Investigating some Roswell newspapers, Mulder sees his old friend Arthur Dales, a retired FBI agent who also worked on the X-Files, posing with the alien bounty hunter who had been showing up everytime Mulder was getting close to the “truth.” What he finds instead is Arthur’s brother (also named Arthur) who used to work for the Roswell Sheriff’s department. He tells Mulder a story about the time that he was tasked with protecting an all African-American baseball team from harassment (during a time where racism was still pretty out in the open). Arthur eventually finds out that one of the ballplayers is actually a shape-shifting alien. It mixes The X-Files usual thrills and chills with the light-hearted drama found in many sports movies like Field of Dreams.

1. Jose Chung’s From Outer Space (Season 3, Episode 20)

I think this is one of the few episodes of The X-files that represents all of the qualities of the show. It follows Mulder and Scully investigating the alien abduction of 2 teenagers as well as the science fiction author interviewing them for his next work. There is a lot of black comedy based on a number of mishaps and misunderstandings as well as the usual suspects being smarmy toward Mulder’s usual ramblings. This is despite the fact that some really tense and crazy things really go down. I wish I could go into detail what actually happened, but there are just so many unreliable narrators (as well as some presumed manipulation) that it would be hard to tack down any cohesive narrative. But that is what makes it so good, that The X-files writers can straddle that line between truth and fiction. Plus, there are some remarkable one-off characters including a pair of men in black played by Alex Trebek and Jesse Ventura and the science fiction writer, played memorably by Charles Nelson Reilly

1. Mary Jane Watson

Why: Although she’s been done before, seeing a Peter-Gwen-MJ love triangle would be satisfying to comic fans and non-comic audiences alike. The character is famous for a reason and you can’t have the Spider-man universe without MJ.

Who I’d Cast: Elena Satine (Just Go With It, Smallville) because I think it’s best to go with a more unknown actress since Kirsten Dunst already so famously portrayed the role. Not to mention she has the supermodel looks you need to play MJ.

2. The Black Cat (aka Felicia Hardy)

Why: The Black Cat would work for Spidey like Catwoman does for Batman. She’s kinda bad, kinda good. Peter likes her, but maybe he shouldn’t. The enemy/lover angle works really well and could even be thrown in if Gwen is still around.

Who I’d Cast: Amber Heard (Drive Angry, The Rum Diary) because who else could pull off that tight leather suit and platinum blonde hair? Amber has that feline quality that is essential when casting Felicia.

3. Jean DeWolff

Why: It’s rare that we get strong female characters in superhero movies that aren’t someone’s love interest. DeWolff is a police captain so she could be strong but relatable, because she’s not blessed with superpowers. In the comics she is a staunch supporter of Spiderman, but wasn’t always. This transition would be an interesting one to put to screen.

Who I’d Cast: Emily Deschanel (Bones). I can’t really explain this one, but she sprung to mind as soon as I started thinking about casting Jean.

4. Spiderwoman (aka Jessica Drew)

Why: It’d be nice for Peter to find a kindred spirit and one that he doesn’t need to have a romantic relationship with. Who says he has to be the only one with Spider powers? This pairing may even lead up to a crossover with SHIELD.

Who I’d Cast: Gemma Arterton (Prince of Persia, Quantum of Solace). Gemma is a tall dark drink of British water who is not only a beautiful and accomplished actress, but she has lots of experience in actions movies already.

5. Arachne (aka Julia Carpenter)

Why: Similar to my reasoning for Spiderwoman, Arachne would provide Peter with a female counterpart without the burden of her having to be a love interest. We women want some kick-ass heroines too!

Who I’d Cast: Deborah Ann Woll (True Blood) needs some more film exposure, and what better to dive into with than an action-packed Marvel movie? Besides, can you think of a hotter strawberry blonde in Hollywood right now?

6. Firestar (aka Angelica Jones)

Why: Honestly, I just think it’d be awesome to see Firestar on screen and watch her manipulate and generate energy and heat. Also she can kinda fly. Maybe she just got her powers and isn’t sure how to control them so the press writes her as a villain until Spidey comes along and helps her out. Just go with it.

Who I’d Cast: Karen Gillan (Doctor Who) because she’s an adorable young redhead and already a Geek icon.

7. Lightwave (aka Aurora Dante)

Why: Lightwave hasn’t frequented too many comics but her storyline is an interesting one. She has the power to control and manipulate light and possesses both a laser blast and a photon force field. She is at first considered a traitor to SHIELD that Spiderman help’s to stop after being brainwashed to try and destroy the Earth. He breaks the mind control that she was under and essentially helps her get back into the hero game. So she could be another villain turned good guy on screen.

Who I’d Cast: Michelle Trachtenberg (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Gossip Girl). On Gossip Girl Michelle is oh-so-good at playing oh-so-bad and covering it up with the good girl act. She nails both sides perfectly and I think she’d do the same in this role.

8. Debra Whitman

Why: Debra’s story would be perfect for a movie. She’s a university student who dates Peter for a while and starts to believe he might be Spider-man, which leads to her being diagnosed with mild schizophrenia. Threatening, but not enough so that we feel Gwen is out of the picture.

Who I’d Cast: Melissa Rauch (The Big Bang Theory), just because.

9. Michelle Gonzales

Why: Gonzales is a criminal defense lawyer and Peter’s roommate’s sister. Like Jean DeWolff, she could provide a strong non-superhero female character that is relatable to the common audience. She and Peter did apparently sleep together after a drunken one-night-stand, but I think it would be OK if they left that part out.

Who I’d Cast: Catalina Sandino Moreno (Maria Full of Grace) because I just think she’d be good in the part. And we need people to forget her momentary lapse of sanity that was Twilight: Eclipse.

10. Carlie Cooper

Why: Carlie is an officer of the NYPD’s Crime Scene Unit who has a long-term romance with Peter. Her job could definitely make him keep his secret identity a problem. She eventually finds out who he is and breaks up with him because he lied, but ends up going back to him for help.

Who I’d Cast: Carly Pope (24) because she desperately needs a comeback.

The movie opens in jarringly over the top fashion, as the intro theme is played loudly and we are attacked by the names of the cast swooping in from multiple different directions as if they were trying to scare children or small rodents. Watching this I can’t help but long for the more subtle and atmospheric openings of the Burton films. The action starts and Batman is meticulously picking which gadgets he will be taking with him, nope, nothing silly and ridiculous yet. Then we see Kilmer in his physical prime standing by the Batmobile ready for action looking pretty bad ass, still nothing eye-roll inducing. Alfred interrupts everything by asking if Batman wants to take a sandwich, but the Dark Knight informs him he will be getting drive thru, and the moment is now ruined, thank you very much. If nothing else have you seen the Batmobile in this movie, the fins on the back are so obnoxiously big that it would not even fit under the awning over the speaker box. He drives into Gotham City and….AHHHH my eyes! Good bye Burton’s gothic expressionistic cityscape and hello Schumacher’s neon infested nightmare. At this point I must fight the urge to put in Batman Begins so that I can see a Gotham that actually looks like a real city. 

In Gotham City the villainous Two Face flips a coin and discusses the nature of duality with a hostage; actually a great introduction to the character. But like the suiting up, the coolness does not last long as Two Face flips out and orders the hostage thrown into a large safe which for some reason is lit in red light. Because actually doing stuff is too hard for Gotham’s finest, Commissioner Gordon and his men stand outside the bank waiting on Batman while he chats up a tall leggy blonde, the taxpayer’s money being well spent. The blonde happens to be Dr. Chase Merdian who immediately flirts with Batman who could care less, and would much rather chastise Gordon for not predicting that Two Face would attack, the Second Bank of Gotham on Second Street on the second anniversary of the second time Batman caught him while robbing two Burger Kings with two henchmen. Bats has a point how could they have not seen it coming, but they’re Gotham cops so you get what you can. But how did Batman not see this coming, being World’s Greatest Detective he should have been there waiting for Two Face already. I guess he was sitting at his mansion just waiting and hoping against hope the police would actually do their jobs and he could have a night off. But when the Bat Signal got lit up, he just kind of rolled his eyes and suited. Moving on, Dr. Meridian continues flirting with Batman, while people are in danger; telling him she could write a paper on a guy who dresses as a flying rodent. Batman informs her that bats aren’t rodents, I’m not a doctor or a vigilante and yet I could have told her that.

While the conversation gets dumber by the second Two Face smashes a hole in the wall of the bank with a wrecking ball, which came from….somewhere. Batman rides the elevator of justice to the top floor for the showdown and Two Face orders his men to stop him in very dramatic and obnoxious fashion. But Bats decides to open up a beatdown on Two-Face’s S&M clad thugs. Not sensing the obvious trap, Batman rushes in to save the hostage and the vault of redness closes on them. Two Face’s helicopter (not sure how he got that there but whatever) uses a ridiculously strong chain to pull the safe out and fly it over head while making bad puns over the radio informing us all that the safe was rigged was acid which given how strong it’s supposed to be does not melt through the drawers that it’s in. Luckily Batman is ready for just such an occasion and uses the hostages hearing aid to open the vault…somehow (all the while the poor hostage keeps whining and crying, geez man Batman’s trying to save you). Batman uses his grappling hook and a chain to swing the vault back into place….somehow. Batman hangs onto the helicopter for dear life at one point even getting on top of the chopper without being sliced up by the propeller blades. As the helicopter crashes, Two Face parachutes out into the water and Batman leaps…into the same body of water, so how does Batman not catch him?

The next day at Wayne Enterprises, Bruce Wayne decides to visit some inventors, chief among them is, Edward Nigma. Jim Carrey plays Nigma/The Riddler as if he were a spastic ADHD ridden child as opposed to the cunning criminal mastermind the character is normally portrayed as. Be assured that Frank Gorshin has no competition for the mantle of best actor to play the role. He works to convince Bruce Wayne to back a crazy mind warping device which is probably illegal in the real world; and Wayne even seems kind of impressed, telling the scientist to set up something with his assistant, which causes Nigma to flip out about it not being soon enough. Dude, you got the CEO of your company to be mildly interested in your crazy project everyone else railed against, consider it a victory and just call the assistant.  But the Bat Signal lights up and it’s time to go to work and Bruce hits the streets in the Batmobile.

When he zips onto the police department roof, he finds Meridian in lingerie, well either it’s her or Gordon has had a LOT of plastic surgery. More braindead banter ensues that would make the dialogue in an Ed Wood flick seem amazing. When old man Gordon ruins the fun, Bats takes off and leaps back into the Batmobile. Back in the Wayne Enterprise laboratory, Nigma is working hard on his brain manipulator and proceeds to absorb his boss’ brain and kill the poor guy. This scene allows Jim Carrey to play, well Jim Carrey as he  eats up so much scenery he probably crapped Kodaks for a week. He is obnoxiously hammy and over the top that I can’t wait for Batman to kick his ass.

Creepy does not even begin to describe this picture

The next morning Bruce tries to watch some TV, where they decide to show a news report on the origin of Two Face, I guess we were lucky someone filmed the events. At the office bruce and Commissioner Gordon investigate the apparent suicide of the man running the laboratory. He tells his assistants that even though suicide is not covered by their corporate insurance he wants the family to get the full benefits, which would be a nice gesture, but he does it in a way that is so lifeless and cardboard-like that the audience can just shrug and go, “meh”. On the way out, Wayne discovers a riddle in a creepy box; and as if we had any doubt as to who put the riddle their that night, The Riddler drives right up to the gates at Wayne Manor and puts another riddle up, you would think the mansion that housed Bruce Wayne’s secrets about being a vigilante would have better security.

Bruce Wayne has no time for riddles as he decides to walk right into an office building and ask for Dr. Chase Meridian, and the guy at the desk helpfully just kind of points in a general direction, luckily using his keen detective skills, Wayne finds the correct office and hears strange noises coming from inside, assuming the worst he tears down the door and finds her practicing kick boxing in her office, just as good a place as any I guess but I can’t help but wonder, what he would have done if she were getting laid or something and that was the source of the grunting and struggling noises; he would be pretty embarrassed. He tries to explain himself but only succeeds at stammering and making an idiot of himself; isn’t Bruce Wayne supposed to be a debonair ladies man? He is apparently there to get her expert opinion on the riddles he’s been getting. She tells him whoever is sending these is obsessed with him. Not content with just that, Wayne decides to start poking around her office and finds a Rorschach blot which he says looks like a bat, because you know it looks like a bat; and he discovers a Malaysian Dream Warden or something that is supposed to protect your dreams and such and oh by the way Nightmare on Elm Street 3 called and wants it’s plot device back. He ends by doing what we all do to our therapists and asks her out to the circus.

These are my Malaysian Dream Wardens right here

I do have to admit that if the circus in this movie with all it’s over the topness and garishness, were a real circus, I’d go see it. The star attraction is introduced, the Flying Graysons led by the youngest member (who’s in his late 20′s at least) Dick Grayson. But the fun is interupted by Two Face who storms the show demanding to know who Batman is or else he blows up the circus. Whiskey Foxtrot Tango?! Does he do this all the time, just storming into random places demanding Batman’s identity, I mean guess he could eventually hit the right venue but it seems to be way too much trouble. Before he can get what he wants, Two Face escapes through a hole in the floor….why did the circus people put a trapdoor for super villains to escape through in the MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR! As anyone who is a Batfan can predict the Graysons perish and Bruce adopts Dick Grayson, even though the guy is like thirty. Grayson repays Wayne’s kindness by giving him the cold shoulder and acts like a brat before heading out to get revenge on Two Face. But his thirst for Two Face’s blood is sated when he discovers Bruce will give him a new motorcycle if he stays and fixes it, I mean come on it’s a free bike!

But the fun does not last as Bruce hides away and starts brooding (I guess that’s what you can call it, I can’t really tell what emotions Kilmer is conveying) over his parent’s death. In a really hamfisted way he subconsciously takes responsibility for what happened to Dick’s parents. As Alfred tended to Dick, he learns that Grayson associates himself with Robins, oh gee.

That night while on the streets Batman just drives around looking for some superstitious and cowardly lots to beat up and surprise surprise Two Face sets a dumb trap for the guy; but Bats escapes by using the power of physics and driving up the wall of a building to escape. This is starting to turn into a Road Runner Wile E Coyote bit. Back at his lair Two Face nurses his wounds by parading around with his girlfriends, one sweet and innocent (played by Drew Barrrymore in a low point in her career) the other a leather clad punk rocker. The Riddler just happens to show up and offers his alliance (how do the villains in these movies always know where each others hide outs are?) he earns Face’s trust by showing off his brain warping thingy. I miss when The Riddler used to just set traps and riddles and such. The plan is that Two Face helps him steal money to set up a business based on the brain sucker thingy and he helps Two face kill Batman. Is it really that hard to get a small business loan in Gotham? And isn’t he afraid the IRS might get suspicious when a guy who used to live on modest wages, all of sudden becomes a gazillionaire? If you’re wondering why Batman just doesn’t stop their crime spree, well it’s because he too like we the audience is busy being amazed by Dick Grayson’s Xtreme Laundry skills; and don’t pretend you don’t know what scene I’m talking about. Actually he is discovering that the guy leaving riddles for him in green and black packages is the same guy who is robbing banks and leaving riddles in green and black packages, World’s Greatest Detective.

As expected Dick breaks into the Batcave and Alfred does nothing to stop him from thefting the Batmobile (you would that thing would at least have a security system). Bruce can not be bothered with this, because he is on a hot date with Meridian who gives him a gift and he responds by gloomily talking about his parent’s death and his father’s red journal (no the red journal plot doesn’t go anywhere or hold significance), this has got to be the third worst date she’s ever been on. Luckily for all of us the date ends early when he leaves to stop Dick from picking up prostitutes and saving a woman from a gang in the Batmobile (every adolescent boy’s dream).  All this scene serves to do is create a level of mistrust between Dick and Batman and show that Grayson is a gifted fighter, I mean I was raised in the Russian circus and I never learned to fight like that, we used shanks on each other there.

Back at the Batcave they discuss the idea of Grayson becoming the sidekick and the morality of taking the lives of criminals; which does not work because in the previous two flicks Batman showed no hesitation about killing some villains. Like all super villains, Nigma decides to throw a party and invite all of Gotham’s elite to show off his newest invention which shows people’s greatest fantasies; what if they don’t want everybody knowing what they’re thinking about? True to his MO Two Face decides to crash this party as well, why don’t the police start patrolling these events, they’d catch him easily. Luckily where the cops fail, Batman succeeds in grand fashion and comes crashing through the ceiling, I’ve always wanted to do that. Two Face and his crew escape by running out the front door and Batman still high on his own entrance decides to climb to the top of the building  and jump down on them from above once again, doesn’t make a lot of sense but whatever makes him happy. They continue to battle down beneath the city where Batman gets buried under a pile of rocks, but his rescued by Robin.

He and Robin at the Batcave, argue a bit but he remembers he has an appointment with Dr. Meridian who is naked under a sheet and takes off, serious injuries he sustained recently be damned. When she tells him she’s actually in love with Bruce Wayne, he lets out a dark and serious grin (no really) and takes off. While this is going on, at the evil lair Two Face and The Riddler discover that Bruce Wayne likes thinking about bats and means one thing, he’s a part time Chiropterologist. 

That night in the Batcave, bruce Wayne orders Alfred to shut everything down because Batman was no more…..WTF!? Where did this storyline come from?! How did Bruce Wayne after years of dedicating himself to this idea of being Batman just decide he’s bored with it?! The leaps of logic this movie takes make my head hurt! Robin protests but Bruce just ignores him with the same dull expression he’s had the entire movie. Robin runs away, but Bruce does not care because he’s got a Halloween date (yeah it’s Halloween all of a sudden) with Meridian. His foes cleverly (*chuckle*) disguised as Trick r Treaters are able to break in; again mansion which houses a horrible dark secret, yet no security. They kidnap the damsel in distress naturally and destroy the Batcave with stupid little bat shaped bombs.

The villains retreat back to their base, an island that emits a green ray of some kind, which causes Commissioner Gordon to wonder what’s going on, but not wonder enough to actually investigate because he’s the police commissioner and all. Bruce decides with all this going on it’s the perfect time to boringly figure out all the riddles; it’s not like the villains know his biggest secret, have his girlfriend hostage and are emitting some green something or other into the air. Once he discovers that The Riddler is Edward Nigma (great detective work) he suits up in a new Batsuit and teams up with a sharply dressed Robin and they head out to stop the fiends.

With some difficulty they make it to the evil island and naturally Robin is captured, because if you’re going to build up a character this much in a movie, you gotta make in completely ineffectual. Batman matches wits with a glittery suited Riddler (don’t even ask) as well as his ridiculous death trap for Robin and Meridian. But because he’s Batman he effortlessly saves the hostages and defeats the villains. In the end The Riddler is locked away in Arkham, Two Face is dead, Dr. Chase Meridian joins a long line of Batman love interests who are easily forgotten by the next movie and the Dynamic Duo lives happily ever after.

So was it as bad as I thought? I have not seen this movie since I was a kid, but upon rewatching  it I get the feeling this may be worse than Batman & Robin . With B&R we knew what we were getting it was a big, dumb loud movie and made no bones about it, but Forever teases you with pieces that could have been really good but in the end turn into crap. Rumor has it much of the script of this movie ended up on the cutting room floor and it shows, there are plot holes so big, you could drive a Tumbler through them like; what was the deal with his father’s red diary, why did he all of sudden decide to quit being Batman, and why does a guy who’s a former circus performer who’s in his thirties need to be adopted?! The cast should have been good (for the most part anyways) Kilmer to his credit plays Batman as an action hero like he had not been before, but his actual performance is about as exciting as watching cardboard. An actor like Tommy Lee Jones should have owned the role of Two Face, a gifted actor like him could have done wonders with a character torn between two worlds, instead he tries to outham Jim Carrey who himself is so ridiculously over the top that it’s incredibly irritating. Nicole Kidman, one of the most talented actresses around is given nothing to do but be the standard damsel in distress who acts like a easy teenage girl every time she sees Batman. Whereas B&R was outlandishly bad this movie is just plain bad, so don’t watch it.

In an attempt to think nice, frosty thoughts I’ve made this weeks Top 10 all about nice, frosty thoughts. The movies that give you that nice, cool feeling on a hot, simmering day.

10. Dead Snow

With temperatures in the classroom well over 40c, there’s a lot I would put up with for a nice bit of wind chill. Nazis? Fine. Zombies? I’ll deal with it. Zombie Nazis? Whatever. When your typical party crazy teens hold up in a shack for a night of debauchery they fall afoul of – you guessed it – zombie Nazis. Eventually they have to make the choice between trying to survive in the shack or brave the elements. I’ll take elements, thanks.

9. 30 Days of Night

A bunch of ugly vampires make a wonderful discovery: a town in Alaska where night falls for an entire month! The, of course, flock to the town with the intention of indulging in an epic buffet. A place where it is freezing cold for a whole month? Where do I sign up for this vampire stint! Just as long as I don’t have to act all mushy with the expressionless Kristen Stewart.

8. The Day After Tomorrow

A movie that can best be summed up as “it’s cold and there are wolves after me”, this little slice of apocalypse sees New York being engulfed by an epic tidal wave that promptly freezes turning the Big Apple in a frozen treat. Whilst the survivors take refuge in a big library (being an Emmerich film I’m sure it’s some kind of landmark I’m not familiar with) while slowly freezing to death. Bliss.

7. Nanook of the North

It takes a man to wear those pants. And no-one is more of a man Nanook.

Although Nanook himself looks nice and snug in his big furry pants, he must be feeling the cold. The oceans bob with giant chunks of ice, the family huddles together for warmth and each evening Nanook builds himself a new house out of ice blocks. A house made of ice – nothing sounds more perfect right now.

6. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Isn’t this the dream…walk into the wardrobe and emerge in a wintery wonderland. It’s filled with pine trees, mythological animals and, um, Santa Claus handing out medieval weapons. Sure the entire place is frozen by an evil Queen whilst all the locals slowly starve to death but right now it looks like paradise.

5. The Empire Strikes Back

Whilst I am certain that Dagobah and Cloud City are quite chilly, nothing can hold a candle to Hoth (mainly because it would extinguish immediately). Hoth is cold. Damn cold. Cold enough that even the capable and strong Luke Skywalker succumbs to the cold in a very short amount of time, saved only by the quick-thinking Han Solo slicing open his steed to create a snug little hidey-hole.

4. Let the Right One In

Tours now available!

Oh Sweden, aren’t you wonderfully desolate? The starkness of the landscape in this miniature vampire fable lends to the beauty of the piece. The open white landscapes are enough to send a very welcome chill down your spine and the frozen lakes are enough to make you shiver. And if those don’t capture your heart then a young vampire might just rip it out.

3. The Shining

Snug.

Welcome to the Overlook Hotel and the snowy landscape that surrounds it. Never mind the haunted hotel, decaying women in bathtubs, creepy twins and possession…it looks so nice and cold outside! With endless, rolling fields of untouched snow and a hedge maze or awesomeness. Don’t take it to heart though, like poor Jack, who ended up a little more on the frosty side.

2. The Thing

Nothing like a bit of claustrophobia to bring on the chills! John Carpenter brings that sense of biting winds and frost-clung windows through the screen and into the viewers bones. When the real world is getting hot to the point of uncomfortable then this movie will drop your core temperature.

1. Fargo

Whilst The Thing might be the coldest environment on this list, everyone throwing around those flamethrowers adds some unnecessary warmth to the place. For some real chills the cold minds at work in the Twin Cities reflect the deep snow that surrounds them. As the snow falls thicker and the sky grows darker during the movie the viewer is left feeling very cold indeed. Certainly a relief on a hot day like this.

10. Sahara (2005)
Sahara starring Matthew MacConaughey and Steve Zahn about the adventurer Dirk Pitt and his search for confederate gold in Africa. The opening sequence is a long shot circling the yacht they call home highlighting pictures and other items of Dirk and his buddy Al’s time in the Navy, and their past adventures. Star Wars may have been the obvious choice especially to highlight the history explanation of the soon unfolding story, but there is something about a scrolling paragraph that lacks creativity.

9. Casino Royale (2006)
A Bond flick had to be represented. They have been by far had some of the more consistently memorable openings in cinema history. Most of the time, they are simply a chance to show the credits and spotlight a song. This is by far my favorite. I might be a little biased because its also my favorite Bond flick featuring my favorite Bond (Connery be damned), but Cornell’s song is so nostalgically classic rock but oddly fitting. Plus it has some of the more inventive imagery, as opposed to the overused (but always welcome) dancing female silhouettes.

8. Se7en (1995)
I have seen many people credit Se7en with the reemergance of the high concept opening credits. It mixes the hard rock sounds of Nine Inch Nails, with a number of creepy jounral entries and creepier hands sifting through them foreshadowing the events and eventual reveal of killer, John Doe.

7. To Kill A Mockingbird (1962)
One of the more classic opening sequences, it has been paid homage to a number of times most notably with Cameron Crowe’s Almost Famous. Crowe is a famous fan of the novel, referencing it in some way in most of his movies. The credits are played against a close-up of Scout, the young girl of the heroic Atticus Finch. It depicts Scout as the vessel for which we experience the story, and defines the subtle veil of childlike innocence in the way the story is presented to us. I found it on youtube, but it is set to different music.

6. The Fall (2006)
Director Tarsem Singh described it as “..chaos without energy.” A beutiful combination of images and music. Beethoven’s Symphony No 7 sets the stage for a surreal, slow-motion mini-movie, one who’s connection to the movie becomes apparent as the movie plays on, and upon second viewing becomes even more beautiful. An ode to falling.

5. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
A brilliant operatic science fiction. Thematically heavy, but still thrilling as the straight ahead horror/sci-fis. The opening is probably one of the most memorable openings of all time. A fantastic score that establishes the sweeping epic proportions the movie depicts. One of the most identifiable theme that makes all the right hits.

4. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is one of the biggest surprises in recent cinema weaving a smart and witty neo-noir that revels in its faults as well as its strengths. The opening sequence is a tribute to classic noir, resembling the old opening credits and retro covers of the detective yarns that spawned this underrated gem. Its jazz theme inspired images of fedora wearing gumshoes and survy seductive dames.

3. Romeo+Juliet (1996)
Baz Luhrman’s take on Shakespeare’s timeless tale of star cross’d lovers juxtaposes Shakes words over a modern era. In order to make the connection of Ye Olde English and 20th century America, Baz plays over the introduction of the play twice, once as a newscast on a lone television, and then again over a series of images of the movie and general 20th century iconography. I couldn’t find this one on YouTube.

2. Watchmen (2009)
The highly acclaimed graphic novel adapted to celluloid has one of the greatest opening credits in recent time. It very well could be flash-in-the-pan opinion, but the unconventional choice of song in Bob Dylan’s “These Times Are A-Changing” fit perfectly well. It plays against famous 20th Century iconography only this time with the added appearances of masked vigilantes to introduce us to a world with a vibrant history, a history the same as ours…..but not.

1. Lord of War (2005)
Lord of War was pretty cool movie. A little too much coolness in general though. It was a dark comic drama with morally ambiguous characters. Its opening sequence is one of the MOST inventive and creative sequence to ever grace the silver screen. The camera afixed to a bullet starting at the beginning of creation to its killing blow in a war torn foreign world set against Buffalo Springfield’s “For What It’s Worth.”

Dante’s Inferno

So is it worth the budget price tag? Almost.

Players familiar with Dante Alighieri’s poem ‘Inferno’ will need to make a few mental adjustments going in. Dante is no longer a poet taking a tour of hell, but a blood thirsty, shag hungry soldier in the Crusades who is slicing and dicing his way through the nine levels of the underworld in pursuit of his stolen love Beatrice. It makes sense from a gameplay perspective – battling with prose doesn’t work outside of Typing of the Dead – but it would make more sense to simply use the descriptive elements from ‘Inferno’ and change the name of the main character to something generic. With such a dramatic change to the character it would make more sense and give pretentious reviewers like me less to bitch about.

Putting aside the downright befuddling character shift, the design is something to behold. Easily the strongest selling point of the game each level of hell is faithfully recreated based on the descriptions given in the poem. Seeing the images brought to brutal life gives gamers some of the best visuals in recent gaming history. Although the animations are generally mediocre the detail and creativity is rich. Every corner you turn reveals a new torment that it’s difficult not to dwell on. The boss battles are equally freaky and imaginative, with Cleopatra representing lust being especially unnerving. It’s worth playing to game just to see how the next layer of sin is brought to life.

Except for one thing – the gameplay. Controls are stiff and awkward, with Dante’s actions being slow to respond. Even when you get a swing going it won’t be long before a quicker moving enemy launches an attack interrupting your moves. This isn’t helped by the size of the swarms that hit in waves. Even the lowest level of beast takes an excess of pummeling to bring to down and with the huge number that hit you at any given time, the job of carving through the armies of the damned using Death’s scythe quickly becomes a tiresome chore.

The awkward controls don’t help with the platforming sections either with the fixed camera and slow responses lead you to plenty of frustrating plummets into instant death canyons. For some downright idiotic reason the game designers felt it was suitable that every door and chest that you open (and there’s one every five minutes) requires you to quickly hammer a button for a few seconds to activate it. Essentially you stop the game every few minutes to engage in a pointless exercise that is unsatisfying and frustrating.

Perhaps the below-par gameplay could be pushed through in order to see every layer of the Inferno, but the character doesn’t give you much reason to see things through to the end either. They’ve turned one of the Western worlds most notable poets into a complete dick. As a Crusader Dante partakes in murdering prisoners under his care, slaughtering innocents and banging every slave girl he has the chance to in spite of the promise made to his true love Beatrice. He felt it was a-OK because he leader told him that their sins would absolved because they were doing God’s work and so Dante, upon reaching hell, has to face up to his sins.

"Sup."

How is this someone that we can sympathize with? He doesn’t have any personality beyond being determined to save the pure and innocent Beatrice (not so pure and innocent that she doesn’t refrain from gets her boobs out at every opportunity) and being a blood-gargling psychotic with a cross stitched into his torso for some unfathomable reason. Kratos was easier to get behind than this knob. All the more reason to have renamed him as not to associated him with the real life poet.

Although it is now at the price that it can be picked up with a spare twenty, the clunky gameplay and unlikeable lead character don’t provide enough motivation to push through all nine levels. As much as I enjoyed seeing the details of one of my favourite poems from the sickening, shocking life (so I’m a freak, sue me) the rest of the package is simply good enough to make it worth playing. Even though I wanted to see what the rest of hell looked like my enthusiasm puttered out around Greed and I switched back to ‘Arkham City’.

So is it worth the bargain price? Sadly, no. But don’t feel bad about snubbing it – it’s backed by EA who own more big budget franchises that they have any right to.

Cast: Emily Browning, Rachael Blake, Ewen Leslie

Plot: Struggling university Lucy holds a variety of jobs to get by – waitress, escort, even a lab rat. When she is offered large sums to enter into drug induced comas to provide company to wealthy old men she leaps at the chance.

Review: Anyone with ties to the Australian film industry has at one time or another looked at what is happening on screen and muttered to themselves “what the hell are they thinking?” Sometimes the funding goes to oddest projects, something that will celebrate Australia’s ‘true-blue’ spirit (The Castle), doubles as a tourist promotion (Australia) or somehow turn the desolate wasteland down-under into a cultural hub. This movie fits into the latter category with such determination that it almost gives itself a stress fracture.

"Pardon me...do you have any Grey Poupon?"

Not that it isn’t a well shot film. The cinematography is quite remarkable and gives an artistically minded viewer will find plenty to enjoy in a careful study of the frame. Having quietly introduced the protagonist with a wonderfully subdued performance from Emily Browning – an actress who always seems on the cusp of making the A-List. The story is slow burn with the introduction of Lucy and her new job as a lingerie clad server at events for the wealthy generates a sense of intrigue as the audience waits to see where things are going.

The answer is, sadly, nowhere interesting. Lucy continues to struggle with a snippy landlord and a drug addled best friend but without any emotional investment in the characters none of it ever resonates with the viewer. When Lucy moves into the unusual job of drugging herself into a stupor so she can be fondled by old men things become downright disgusting to watch. Anyone who has rented the DVD for the sole purpose of seeing the unique young beauty Emily Browning naked will also have to stomach a foul, fully nude old man jamming his hand into her mouth while licking her face.

Also - I have no idea why she did this.

To fully credit Emily Browning she does put in a fantastic performance shown through an impassive face. Given what she gets subjected to during the ‘sleeping’ scenes, she is either actually drugged out of the mind or is the world champion at Musical Statues.

By the end of the movie, in spite of the artistry, you are left unsatisfied by the story and character arc, nauseated by the scenes and downright confused about what they were trying to accomplish.

Score: THREE outta TEN

I paid a visit to a bookstore a few months ago, on the hunt for some Dick (that’s Phillip K, smartass) and as I approached the rear of the store, past the shelves of newly released chick-lit and the entire corner of the store devoted to James Patterson novels, I saw the ghetto rise from the darkness, the sign read “Science Fiction / Fantasy” and the shelves were stocked wall-to-wall with images of implausibly attractive teenaged girls, their lithe arms draped across the base shoulders and sculpted torsos of their equally-attractive yet slightly more dead boyfriend.

"Ugh"

In addition to the “Supernatural Romance” section which now graces almost every bookstore (thanks Stephanie Meyer, you hack), many SF and Fantasy departments are now stuffed with tales of unbridled passion between the recently graduated and the not-so-recently deceased. The age gap, 86 years in the case of everyone’s favourite necrophillic power couple, aside, the entire notion of these books residing in the science fiction or fantasy departments is, frankly, abhorrent.

Besides. Buffy and Angel already did the human/vampire love-fest back in 2001. And did it better, I might add. Twilight sucks, is what I’m trying to get at here.

This encroachment of vapid, pre-teen fantasies upon my beloved, however marginalised, genre lead me to look back to years past, to the classic works of science fiction and speculative fiction literature: The Handmaid’s Tale, Nineteen Eighty-Four, The Man In The High Castle, Neuromancer, Dune; works of fiction almost incomparable with anything in today’s market. These are works of fiction that have made their mark on countless decades of popular culture; novels which have influenced not only contemporary literature but society as a whole.

In this multi-part retrospective, I will take a look at some seminal pieces of science fiction history, beginning with my personal favourite novel (of all time): George Orwell’s NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR.

 The Story

 Set in the titular year (more on that later), NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR tells the story of Winston Smith, employee at Air Strip One’s Ministry of Truth; a government department responsible for propaganda and the correction of historical ‘misprints’ which in any way cast doubt on the government’s absolute authority, and its accuracy bordering on prescience. This government, helmed by the omnipresent, universally adored and supremely powerful Big Brother, rules its citizens with an iron fist and a severe case of historical revisionism.

Indeed the theme of government censorship plays a large role in the story; often we are shown insight into Winston’s daily routine at the Ministry of Truth, which involves the alteration of Big Brother’s past predictions so as to bring them in line with current announcements and render the government perpetually correct. Even the year is disputable; Winston notes at one point in the novel that it may not even be 1984, that it simultaneously was always 1984 and will always be 1984 because the government has the ability to proclaim it, and to remove all record of it ever being otherwise.

Through the course of the novel, Winston commits intellectual treason against Big Brother, and by extension society itself and begins an illicit romance with another party member, Julia. The story is presented against a background of perpetual war; war with the nation’s interchangeable enemies Eurasia and Eastasia; war with the Party; and war with human nature. Around every corner, spies for the Party wait for any sign of unorthodox thought or action. Children turn in their own parents in to the Thought Police; the shadowy arm of the Ministry of Love responsible for maintaining public order and punishing and re-educating thought criminals.

I won’t spoil the ending for you, but I will say that the climax of this novel is intense and the resolution somewhat dire. Don’t expect the happy endings and contented resolutions of popular SciFi. This book is grim and uncompromising, and all the better for it.

The Influence

 NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR was a response to the totalitarian regimes of the 30s and 40s and there are many obvious parallels between the world of Oceania and the world of World War II affected Europe; particularly the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany.

The erasure of unpopular members of society – unpersons in the novel – is a direct reference to the Stalinist act of removing any record of those who had fallen out of favour with the regime from photographs and official records.

The undying hatred for the government’s enemies, however fickle those may be, references Soviet ties to Nazi Germany wherein no criticism of the Nazi government was permitted.

The three distinct classes – Proles, Outer Party and Inner Party – invoke the sentiment of the time; that there was a distinct gap between the echelons of society; a feeling echoed in todays Occupy movement. The idea of a constantly surveilled, downtrodden underclass and powerful, entitled aristocracy resonates with many today.

Indeed much of Orwell’s imagery – the faceless enforcers with jointed truncheons, the increasing gap between those who have and those who have not, the unwavering allegiance to those in power and the harsh criticism of anyone who dissents – can be seen today in many parts of the world; in the totalitarian regime of North Korea where anything other than total adoration of the party leader is punishable by hard labour or even death; in the spiteful rhetoric of Fox News, branding anyone who criticises their right wing ideology as a traitor, as unpatriotic, as un-American; in the ‘War on Terror’, a vast and seemingly endless war against a concept and a methodology, rather than a state, with no clear goal or exit strategy in mind.

Fox "News"

The Impact

 NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR has impacted literary and popular culture in ways Orwell could never have foreseen. Having been unnerving in his prediction of many contemporary technologies – voice controlled computers in the speakwrite, two-way video conferencing in the telescreen, surveillance technology, photo editing technology – he has also left a mark on societies collective mind; often in ways unknown to the layman.

I once had a senior school student proclaim, loudly, in class that NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR was just a cheap rip-off of the popular reality television series Big Brother. I died a little inside on that day but it serves as testament to the effect Orwell’s narrative has had on the world; from the Apple commercial, which used the imagery of an Orwellian state to sell the early Macintosh to the concept of doublespeak; the irritating, meaningless cascade of corporate buzzwords so prevalent in contemporary society.

"Let's maximise distributed technologies and generate an upward shift in monetized L-ventures"

The influence of NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR is so ubiquitous and so deeply ingrained in social consciousness, many people don’t know it’s there at all. It doesn’t hurt that a lot of people are really, really dumb.

References to Big Brother have appeared in The Simpsons (often in reference to billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch), and films such as Equilibrium and the Star Wars original trilogy draw heavily from the novel in their depiction of a totalitarian state and the faceless stormtroopers who protect it. The video game Half-Life 2, in its depiction of City 17 is obviously influenced by Orwell. Political commentator Keith Olbermann has frequently in the past referred to Fox News as the “Ministry of Truth”. Indeed the term Orwellian has come, in the decades since the novel’s release, to describe any location, event or idea that is evocative of the oppressive, unpleasant future in which Orwell imagined his characters to reside.

It is, in part, due to this novel, and those which have followed it, that we have the notion of Big Brother watching us all, that we revile the propaganda of state-directed media and that we have learned to question what we are told. Some of us, anyway. I’m looking at you, Hannity viewers.

The Summary

 These retrospectives won’t end in a rating in the vein of a typical book review. Think of this more like a primer. These are not novels to be reviewed and scored like contestants on some inane reality game show. Just read them. Shut up, that’s why.

NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR is an important piece of fiction, a historic look into dictatorships past and present and a disturbingly accurate glimpse of what may be our future. It’s also an astonishingly good read, filled with tension, drama and characters you’ll love to hate. You may not enjoy it, but everyone needs to have experienced it. Read it because it affected science fiction in more ways than anybody can count. Read it because it’s one of the most honest renditions of a totalitarian dystopia you’ll find.  Read it because every dystopian fiction novel and film is the child of this miraculous, and awful piece of fiction. Read it because it’s better than every vapid, haphazardly constructed teen paranormal romance novel combined.

And remember. Two and two make five.

I have a love/hate relationship with Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. As a huge Star Wars nerd I haven’t been more hyped since the new trilogy was announced, I was one of those fans who actually thought the title was cool, so mysterious, so menacing! You can pretty much add phantom to anything and it can sounds cool. Phantom Planet, Danny Phantom, Phantom Jester, Phantom Geek… you get the point. Whatever the case it’s still a lot better than Attack of the Clones From Outer Space.

When the day finally came and I saw the film, I left the theater underwhelmed. Not disappointed, just a bit uneasy about what I had witnessed. I saw fantastic lightsaber duels, R2-D2, space battles, Jedis, marvelous music, everything wrapped around this thing called “The Force”. The problem was that it wasn’t strong with this one, it didn’t FEEL like a Star Wars movie and the whole thing was muddled by so many awful decisions, but still, it was Star Wars and I never said it was horrible, not even disappointing. Just underwhelming due to its mediocrity. It was MEH! Not something I wanted from Star Wars (I later became used to “meh” as you might imagine).

Fast forward 11 years later and a rerelease in 3D was announced, I felt it was the stupidest thing ever but I knew I’d be seeing it anyway (it’s hard to be a fanboy these days), heck, I even tweeted it that day (not without using a little generalization and hyperbole of course).

So finally a date was announced and I couldn’t care less… that is until one week before opening day, I saw the ad on a theater and ended up surprising myself with my reaction, I was suddenly excited to revisit the film. I don’t care about 3D but if I’m being forced to shell a couple of extra bucks just to see it on the big screen, so be it, but on the other hand I wasn’t screaming with excitement either. It was “MEHxcitement”.

Suddenly things took an interesting turn. A cousin of mine, who is also a fan tells me if I had any plans friday. As I’m a big failure at life I tell him “No because I don’t really have friends”, so he says “cool, cuz I bought these 2 tickets for Episode 1 but I won’t be able to make it and since you’re a huge dork and all, I imagined you might want them”. Well of course I do! SCORE! I didn’t actually have plans to go see it a certain day, I didn’t have the need to go to the midnight screening with toy lightsabers and black and red makeup, but now, everything came into place. The Phantom Menace HERE I COME! …oh what’s this? There’s more? YES! Fortunately for me, it turns out that the tickets were for the new local 4DX theaters. It’s one of those theaters equipped with simulation technology and live special effects like strobes, wind and mist. EXCITEMENT LEVELS RISING! CAPSLOCK JOY!! There was a small caveat though, it was at the 10:40 PM showing which at my age usually means I’ll be sleeping through it halfway and I was taking my girlfriend who’s not really a fan and has been working hard all week, so I was pretty certain that at any moment she’d be falling asleep as well.

The day finally came, I battled haters left and right with my enthusiasm and I could not wait any longer. The clock struck 9PM. One more hour before we left home. I’m getting angsty as hell. 10 PM, leave everything you’re doing and let’s get out of here. Meesa go to the theater! We had seen another film in 4DX but it was the amazingly craptacular The Darkest Hour, fortunately that came about as a freebie as well because if it hadn’t I’d probably start killing people until I had my money back, and as crappy as the movie was the experience really didn’t give us anything worth while. Eyerolls are not more entertaining if your seats are shaking to be honest, so we figured the experience might be fun with something more thrilling, what better excuse to test it out than Star Wars. So here we go, we get there and I get even more excited once the Lucasfilm logo enters the scene and I begin to hear the main theme, logos and titles always look amazing in 3D by the way. Then comes the space crawl, something something, politics… trade federation… can we fast forward this please? Oh look, two amazing actors as Jedis, still, something feels a bit odd, the actions feels clunky and the aliens are unnerving (and not in a good way) but wait, there’s lightsabers and cool droids with forcefields that roll around in ball shape (the seats start to shake), it’s all decent but a bit boring, especially since I’ve seen this before and I realize something, the reason I didn’t leave disappointed when I saw it the first time in the theater was because that even if it wasn’t what I wanted it was still new, new alien races, new jedis, new robots, new spaceships and planets, there was still some wonder in it. Now that I knew how everything would pan out I thought I was going to be more forgiving knowing full well what I was getting myself into, but on the contrary, I started paying attention to the details and all the missteps in between. Once JarJar came into frame, I knew we were in deep doodoo and the only thing I could do was apologize to my girlfriend. Oh well, we still had 2 sequences to look forward to, especially since we’d be literally shaking in our seats. You already know what scenes I’m talking about, once the pod race started I nudged my girl so she’d stop drowzing and at least enjoy some thrills and while the 3D doesn’t really add anything the motion controlled seats really threw us into the action, especially since there are frequent shots in first person view that make you feel like you’re really in a speeding pod racer. After that we took a few more naps, the moving seats ironically helped a bit, since they lulled us to sleep.

The other memorable sequence involves two jedis and a double sided lightsaber and while the space battles look really cool as well, they have been tainted by the convenient skills of little *shudder* Annie and his ‘yipees’ and with the exception of JarJar, the battle at Naboo does have some cool moments (I’m still not sure what to think of the Akira Kurosawa nod… seriously George, you had to put it in this piece of crap?). The 4DX this time around wasn’t as exciting and just seems a bit awkward and distracting sometimes, especially during the lightsaber fight but with so much going on, a gust of wind here, a spray of mist there, it also added to the chaos of it all, and I’m not complaining.

In the end, I think I was in a bit of denial (again!), while I still love Star Wars, all the prequels are really a huge misstep, and I understand that times change, there were new potential fans and ol’ George just wanted to sell more toys, but did we seriously need stupid annoying JarJar stepping on crap, being an idiot and… ugh, I can’t go on. It’s interesting how one element, how one character can downgrade a whole movie, a whole franchise. I’d be fine with “too much CGI”, I’d be fine with slapstick droids, I’d be fine with Anakin building C-3PO, Darth Maul’s *SPOILER?* lame death, “Are you an angel?”, midiclorians, midiclorians as the holy ghost, funky looking aliens, 60′s Batman grapple guns, deus ex machinas… I’d be OK with all of that if that aberration known as JarJar had never existed. Yet I still think I enjoy this movie a bit more than the other two prequels. Meesa don’t care what anyone thinkies, but I’ll get back to you once I see them in the theater. At least this time it was free and it ended up being a literally moving experience and one thing’s for certain, if I ever have trouble sleeping I’ll just pop in my VHS copy of the movie and that’ll be just that.