13 Terrible X-Men We Won’t See in the Movies
Did you see the trailer for X-Men: Days of Future Past? Holy smokes, that was fantastic! Possibly the greatest ensemble cast ever assembled for a franchise mash-up the likes of which we haven’t seen before. Watch it here:
That moustache is amazing, Dinklage. You may have noticed a number of new faces among the cast. Don’t worry, we’ll explain who they are in a future article. Today we’re breathing a sigh of relief that these characters weren’t included.
#13 – Shatterstar
This Rob Liefeld creation had a difficult start in life by being created by Rob Liefeld. The artists trademark horribleness is reflected in Shatterstar’s ridiculous weapon choice (swords with two parallel blades), a mullet, strange headgear and matching shoulder pads, dozens of pouches and muscles growing out of his muscles. He was intended to be the latest in a line of ultimate-badass characters who tried to out-Wolverine the Wolverine, so his mutant powers involved being super-strong, super-fast and super-tough. Mild regeneration powers are complimented by the unusual ability to shift his organs around at will. This is the character an 8 year old would devise to piss off his friends while playing X-Men in the playground.
#12 – Stacy X
In an attempt to be edgier the writers brought in a character who had grown up in a mutant brothel. She has lizard skin and can control pheromones, giving her opponents unsolicited orgasms. “Oh no, you got me. I’ll give you 25 minutes to stop.”
#11 – Dazzler
You saw this coming. Dazzler can turn music into light. She would bravely put on 1980s style rock concerts with her amazing gift and wear roller skates into battle. No.
#10 – Cypher
Cypher has the power of omnilinguistics – the ability to understand all languages. Kind of handy in the real world, but not very exciting in an action movie. Basically he was created to have a hacker in the group during the pioneering days of the internet, since he could ‘understand’ computer language.
#9 – Skin
The purplish Skin has…skin. A strangely specific extra six feet to be precise. He can kinda stretch his skin in combat making him similar to Mr Fantastic, if Mr Fantastic was made of useless dangly skin.
#8 – Adam X the X-Treme
The only way this guy would be more embedded in the late 90s would be if he was a member of Limp Bizkit (I may have spelt that wrong but I honestly don’t care). Another wannabe badass, he can run super fast, has super-athletic powers and is super good with swords (which he attaches to his costume like bits of flair). He can also ‘flash-fry’ peoples blood, causing electronic surges, but only if they’ve already been cut. It’s not known if his glorious Fabio hair and reverse baseball cap are part of his eclectic combination of powers.
#6/7 – Slipstream and Lifeguard
This brother/sister are despised because of their ridiculous over-powered abilities. Slipstream can open unrestricted portals in space and time while Lifeguard’s powers change to solve whatever dilemma she’s in. This is a little tempered though – Slipstream can only traverse the void by…riding it on a surfboard. He’s the only superhero who carries a boogie board into battle. Lifeguard on the other hand…doesn’t HAVE any limitations on her powers so her very presence destroys all tension and sense of danger in a story.
#5 – Kylun
Kylun is a furrie who can mimic any sound. He has the powers of a lyrebird created at a time when Thundercats were popular.
#4 – Choir
So Choir has a bunch of extra mouths around her neck and…and…urgh, I don’t feel so good…
#3 – Wraith
Invisibility is pretty freak’n awesome. It ranks pretty high on the powers most people want. Wraith’s fortunate it to have it…except it only works on his skin. Charging into battle armed with the ability to make your opponent queasy is…crap. At least he can hide any embarrassing tattoos.
#2 – Maggott
Possibly the results of a writer ingesting some bad dairy products, Maggott has one of the most nonsensical and revolting powers ever. Instead of a stomach his digestive system is two bio-mechanical giant maggots that burrow harmlessly through his flesh to eat things. Also his skin is blue. How any of this helps his deal with Magneto is a mystery.
#1 – Beak
This chap has a beak, feathers and hollow bones…but can’t fly. Fuck you, beak.
Want more pop culture? Check out 10 Avengers You Won’t See in the Movies, ‘How I Met Your Mother’ Final Season Should be Left at the Altar, Trans-Gender Issues in the Looney Tunes Show or Is Harley Quinn a Sympathetic Character?
Enjoy!
Beak may have had shitty powers but he wasn’t a shitty character
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He’d be laughable in the current movie franchise though!
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I think he’d be awesome, if only because they haven’t genuinely explored the uglier side of mutations. That you aren’t necessarily left with a useful power or the ability to blend in. They have only gone as far as Rogue not being able to make out with Iceman (which lacked punch) and Mystique telling Nightcrawler they shouldn’t have to hide (which was essentially a throwaway line)
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Beak is Funny, but can be made to a psychic badass
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SO TRUE!
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I’m thinking Stacy X might actually have some marketability…maybe she could be featured in a ‘cross-over’ appearance in the “Barbarella” re-make? (which I’m still waiting for, lol!)
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Having Kylun as a supporting character could be interesting…But Choir… um, what did she do?? LoL Nice post!
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for all I love Dazzler, pretty glad that she and all of the characters on this list aren’t going to be in any of the movies. (Choir? CHOIR?! What is that??)
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Proof that comic book artists consume vast quantities of controlled substances and desperately need to get laid. Not necessarily in that order.
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Couldn’t help but notice that the women in this list either had powers that related to them being women (sexual being or super-popstar) or their powers were so powerful it made it difficult to write an engaging story around them. Honestly, they need to create engaging superheroines that don’t rely on their bodies to make a story engaging.
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The same applies to any mutant from outside of America. The Russian Man of Steel, the Japanese mutant with ‘rising sun’ powers…
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I’m not sure I want to know. Wait, didn’t they have the guy made out of metal in X2 and X3? He threw Wolverine at a giant robot in the training room.
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He was, but origin aside he was a good character b
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Yeah he was. I wanted that power till I created my own comic book superhero. Too bad I can’t draw!
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I swear Choir was created after someone read Black Hole.
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I was thinking the same thing!
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nice post! I didn’t hear about that movie before, I will go watch it! 🙂 thnx
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dis is cool
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Your right, a few of them are turn offs. I like my heroes to look human. The lips one is the worst. It is like a bad version of Dracula.
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Reblogged this on lyludel.
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Dazzler is dope. Fall of the Mutants era Dazzler…c’mon. Poor Liefeld, at least he got to do a Jean commercial.
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Ah, Dazzler, one of my favs as a child. Was she created when Jem was around?
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Reblogged this on Miri Is Writing….
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I think dazzler was invented when the writers of the graphic-novel had no ideas left and were extremely high.
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Beak comment is the best ever…I laughed out loud. I think maybe all of these characters should star in their own movie, and maybe fight against the Bizarro World Superman and other characters in a DC/Marvel mash-up…
Wasn’t there a mutant Tax Accountant that could use his bones like an abacus? No? My fault…
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LOL. This is quite a list. I haven’t heard of many of these guys, but that’s no surprise since they didn’t really appear in the Saturday morning cartoons when I obsessively watched them.
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Reblogged this on Robbie Dash.
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How come Kylun resembles Sabertooth? mmmm! curiouser curioser!
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Reblogged this on Movi3 Madn3ss and commented:
Love the X-Men ❤
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Reblogged this on wjones1191's Blog.
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Intriguing trailer, looking forward to the movie and the popcorn.
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Talk of little details making big differences
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These may be shitty X-men, but I think they were created to show that not all mutant powers are good or desirable. Mutation is a random event when genetic material, and like in the real world, not all mutations are beneficial.
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**Mutation is a random event that happens with genetic material is being made**
I wish you could edit comments after you’ve already posted them.
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LOL…. some look terrible. Others are just too random.
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GUD
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so true.
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Hey man, I can’t hate on Shatterstar. If my memory recalls there were several characters sporting very similar hairstyles during that era. Also, not the worst costume design I’ve seen – granted not the best. Everyone else, its hard to give a pass to though.
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He made the list for having the power to move his organs.
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Faaaaaair enough.
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That one guy really does look like a thundercat…
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So, what you’re saying is that each of these characters should have their own separate movies like what the avengers did because, clearly, they’re all incredibly fascinating. I’d pay $10 for a ticket and $8 for popcorn to watch them.
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You’ll never see any of good mutants, let alone the ones you show here, because of the insane focus the films have on Wolverine. X-Men is not ‘Wolverine and friends’ but but a collection of different characters interacting. Heck, he wasn’t prevalent in the comics till the mid 70s. X-Men started in 63, just to give perspective. That is the larger issue and the reason none of the movies, until First Class, have ever gotten the dynamic. I hold out hope for Future’s Past.
Wonderful Article and Happy Fandom.
Check out more discussions of X-Men and much much more at http://extremisreviews.com.
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So your saying out of more then half a century he was missing out of less then a decade of it? Not sure that supports the argument. More to your point, the Audience are the ones who really like Wolverine and the X-Men fans always beg for his appearance, he is one of the most recognizable and desired characters in the franchise.
Not really hard to see why he is in so much of it.
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Reblogged this on THE EXTREMIS REVIEW and commented:
Excited about X-Men: Days of Future’s Past? Get to know the black sheep that surely will not be in the film. By gfunk101.
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Reblogged this on Sir H's Blog and commented:
X-MEN: Days of Future Past
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I think they do need to open up the universe.
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I’m sorry, but in the Grand Scheme of Suck, you have GOT to include Marrow. Even her name is Lame City. “Beware, evildoers. The magnificent Marrow is here to make you crap your pants laughing so hard.”
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I didn’t want to include anyone who’d popped up in the movies already (which spared Jubilee a mention). Although he was credited as ‘Omega Red’ in the third film that dude in the forest clearly had Marrow’s power set. Since the ability to throw bones was done I spared her.
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Reblogged this on sexnliving.
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Dazzler needs to happen.
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Reblogged this on Von Simeon and commented:
How convenient to come across this after cutting out witty dialogue between two characters calling each other out with shitty comic character names!
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Reblogged this on Reading Enthusiasms and commented:
I am a marvel fan as i have said on my profile so it is a must!
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I flipped out – in a good way! – when I saw the trailer for the latest film and it might just be the longest wait of my life until it comes out!
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Haha, Skin is amazing. Think this must be based on the real life guy who was on Guiness World records a few years back. What a super power!! Trailor looks awesome though. Gambit needs a bigger role in my mind though
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cool
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i never knew they existed
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That last line earned you a like! Fuck you, beak. So unsolicited.
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I laughed out loud at the last line
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Wow, never heard of most of these. I swear some of these writers were on drugs when they came up with this crap.
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rare
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Nice blog! I never even knew about other X-Men that don’t get any fame!
-David S.
http://bleacherboy.mlblogs.com/
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This is a reminder that even the best comic book series’ had some major goofs. Your review of them was very entertaining to read.
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Oh man this is all great. I cant believe these are all real mutants, they are all so goofy! Stacy x really freaks me out as well. but it is interesting that there are so many mutants that arnt so awesome.
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Quite an ‘ensemble’!! Terrific line-up
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Reblogged this on PlanetSellas.
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Reblogged this on SummerSoft Labs.
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hahaha they just kept getting worse
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ha fuck you beak lol
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Awesome
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Skin and choir freak me out… *shudder*
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Reblogged this on whatsupinoscarlandnstuff.
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Reblogged this on johnsonreginald3.
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It can’t be all bad-I would like to see Dazzler in a movie!
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How about Jubilee. If shooting off fireworks makes you a mutant, then Alabama might take over the world.
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Jubilee managed to get a pass because she’s already been in the films. Check the classroom scenes in the first film (her dialogue is in the deleted scenes).
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ahah this is so funny
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Anyone else want to see more of Viper from The Wolverine??
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Reblogged this on The Magnificent Loni.
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Reblogged this on Wandapower.
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Reblogged this on TechharT and commented:
Nice
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My cousin has Dazzler #1 comic. I read it once. It’s hilariously horrible.
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Reblogged this on Jessie Spencer's Blogspot.
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Thank you. I am very thank that these wont be showing up in the xmen movies. ALthough you just gave Hollywood a real good idea. Xmen: Outcast. A movie about the worst Xmen ever produced.
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Reblogged this on The Book.
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Reblogged this on gregorydarnell and commented:
check this out.
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