Quentin Tarantino* reviews one of the worst films of 2011
Hey Tarantino* here taking over the House of Geekery as I go through a quick review of one of the worst films of 2011. The Green Hornet. It pains me to even say The Green MOTHERFUCKING Hornet along side an adjective such as WORST.
Well, yeah, so ok, there’s this guy right? Daddy issues… does NOT give a FUCK about life ok? All that good shit right? He’s a total MichaelAngelo, a FUCKING party dude ok? And well he then wants to be all chop socky right? Ok? Make his papa proud, go against the evil forces of an “unnamed” city, and well especially after he sees his ass kicking butler, motherfucking Kato, pull all the punches, you see? Ok well, then we have OSCAR winner Christoph Waltz, CHRISTOPH MOTHER FUCKING HANS LANDA ok? After I discovered him in my love letter to film and gritty war cinema of the 70s, well he of course was offered another “big bad” role even though this was just a FUCKING bad role! He of course will never reach the heights of his GENIUS portrayal of the charming but ruthless Landa, it’s the Oscar FUCKING curse, man! Oh yea there’s also Cameron Diaz, I still want to suckle on her toes ok? But she has NOTHING to do here ok? Nada ZIP, FUCKING ZERO!
Well the whole shebang was helmed by non other than Music Video director EXTRAORDINAIRE Michel Gondry right? The dude is a FUCKING wizard ok? Give him a video camera and he can pull a rabbit out of your DICK! The problem here is that we don’t need a FUCKING Houdini ok? Sure it was perfect for the mind raping that was going on in Eternal FUCKING Sunshine of the MOTHERFUCKING Spotless Mind! But here it’s just weird, there’s no mind raping, there’s just raping. A raping of the classic detective story by Fran Striker and the EXCELLENT TV series that had some of the best Martial Arts ever! Let me tell you, Bruce Lee’s ghost is getting so pissed he’ll exit the spirit world and go all Jeet Kune Do on our asses because of this abominable piece of remake garbage.
The main problem herein lies not in the unnecessary use of film tricks nor the soulless Kato, but the “comedy” aspect of it all. Seth Rogen seem like an a-OK kinda guy, kinda funny in Superbad, he does his dice dance thing in Knocked Up, but that’s pretty much it, he’s never been anything other than FUCKING Seth Rogen ok?! Quick, tell me what his character’s names are… no, no, no, you don’t know, NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS! And this movie, should have been called Seth Rogen wants to be a FUCKING superhero. Sure we have like ONE funny moment, but it’s the Green FUCKING Hornet! I don’t care if Set Rooogen wants to FUCK Cameron Diaz and is not getting any, I want him to kick ass right?! This was his opportunity to get away from Seth Rogen being Seth Rogen OK? But 99% of the FUCKING movie is just Rogen as the bumbling idiot who FUCKS everything up. Sure there’s like TWO moments of OH that’s FUCKING cool, but it’s not enough. The best part is when it FUCKING ends! We get a little taste of the Flight of the Bumblebee theme ok? And I’ll be honest, that’s the moment I got more excited but, well honestly, if you asked me who used it best, this lame ass Green Harnets (I refuse to call it by its official name at this point OK? It shouldn’t be related to a classic ok?) If you asked me who used the the theme best, these guys, or me in my grindhouse women with power tour de force film Kill Bill Vol 1, well of course it was me right? They don’t call me the FUCKING DJ of film for nothing ok? And what would you prefer at a party, a DJ or a FUCKING magician?
I’m giving this film 2 royale with cheese out of 10
*This wasn’t really written by Quentin Tarantino, please don’t sue us QT!