Star Wars in Review: The 10 Most Idiotic ‘Star Wars’ Characters
A Top 10 by G-Funk
The ‘Star Wars’ movies have produced some of the most iconic and memorable characters in the history of cinema. It also showcases some truly moronic creatures. George Lucas has a blind spot when it comes to coming up with names, believable aliens and quality control. There are plenty of oddities who haven’t even made it to the cinema screen, including a man sized green rabbit who’s supposed to be a bad-ass smuggler, a floating brain in a jar who’s a Jedi master and a giant fish monster with gills instead of a nose name Han Solo. The bad ideas of the extended universe could fill a book, so let’s stick to the movie characters.
10. Jar Jar Binks
Let’s get it out of the way early, since it’s so bleeding obvious. This terrible, squaking, irritating as all hell mess of CGI was touted by Lucas as being a character designed for the kiddies. Trying to pander to a marketing demographic is never the way to create an entertaining film, and it feels like an especially token contribution when paired alongside long political discussions and people being cleft in twain. Although he never said it Lucas must’ve regretted this character as his role was greatly reduced after his first appearance.
Worst Moment: This badly thought out piece of merchandising:
9. The Diner Waitress
There can be only one reason for a robot waitress in a galaxy that is both far, far away and a long time ago to sound like a Mid-Western stereotype – the director thought it was funny. If he wasn’t doing it because he thought it was funny, then he was unable to understand why such a character would be so out of place in the Star Wars universe. The really sad bit? It isn’t funny.
Worst Moment: Providing an insight into a desperately unfunny mind.
8. The Short Order Chef
This stupid creation has everything the waitress has working against her and makes less sense – the Jedi’s can’t explain where the unique weapon came from, but this guy someone could? A look into the behind-the-scenes DVD features shows that Lucas had no clear idea for this character before basing a scene around him. When trying to explain his vision for the character to his design time Lucas is noticeably stumped before going with “he’s played by Ernest Borgnine”. When they come back to him with the ideas he is noticeably disappointed by their efforts, having given them nothing better to go with than the actor he stunt cast in the role.
Worst Moment: Making use of his extra limbs to scratch his backside while embracing Obi-Wan. Fountain of knowledge indeed.
When George Lucas envisioned the climactic battle at the end of Return of the Jedi he saw it taking place on the Wookie homeworld. When the studio reporting back that they’d rather give the audience something new, something they hadn’t seen. So he put his brilliant mind to work and came up with…smaller Wookies. Not one to let a rejected idea stay in the bin where it belongs, he dragged out the Wookie planet for one of the more over-hyped/pointless scenes in Episode III.
Worst Moment: Somehow defeated the mighty Empire in spite of being teddy bears.
Speaking of rejected ideas…
When you go right back to the original script for the first Star Wars film you’ll find that Lucas had written C3P0 to speak like an ‘oily used car salesman’. Anthony Daniels provided the voice on set while acting in the costume and when it came time to re-dub the new voice-actor insisted that it be left with Daniels performance. So when the prequels were getting turned out, he dredged the whole terrible idea back out.
Some knee-jerk reactionists have claimed that Wattoo is an offensive representation of Jewish people. Just because he’s greedy, puts money before people, has a hooked nose, a beard, a small hat with a wide brim, a Jewish accent…wait a moment…
Worst Moment: The complete cop-out explanation that Jedi mind-tricks won’t work on him, just to skim over a massive plot hole.
Bill Pullman said it best in Spaceballs: “When did we get to Disneyland?”
Worst Moment: Getting killed by the ‘precise’ shots of the Stormtroopers, who don’t manage to hit a single thing for the rest of the series. Were they jumping in front of the laser blasts?
4. Boba Fett
Ok, pick your jaw up off the floor. I’m not talking about the cool, stoic badass who back-talks Vadar and takes down Han Solo. I’m talking about that bloody little pest who turned up in Episode II. This was the one clear, defining point where the entire reason for making the prequels falls apart, when Lucas shows that he’s all about the merchandising and fan service than telling a good story. The kid has no story or development, giving him no purpose in the film. Instead he robs the original character of the mystery that made him such a fan favourite. I don’t want to see how he got his fathers helmet (which seems to have changed colour and shape in the intervening decades) if it doesn’t lead to anything.
Worst Moment: Pretty much any scene where he talks to his father. Most forced and awkward father/son relationship evar.
3. Chewbacca’s Family
If you love Star Wars and you haven’t seen the Star Wars Holiday Special…don’t. Ever. You will lose all faith in your beloved saga. It’s beyond terrible. Every second he’s on screen Harrison Ford looks like he’s planning to murder everyone around him. The “movie” centres on Chewbacca’s wife, son and father – named Malla, Lumpy and Itchy respectively – as they watch strange TV shows, enjoy some pornography (seriously) and try to outwit the Empire. The costumes look like they’re made out of old camel-skin rugs and they have about 90% of the dialogue in the film – making the decision not to subtitle them very strange. Ten minutes of this freakshow gargling in your ear and you’re ready to do yourself in.
Worst Moment: In a perfect world this Holiday Special would’ve been binned before it was broadcast. So let’s say all of them.
Fun Fact: Even though every background extra in any Star Wars film gets an action figure. Chewbacca’s Family were designed but scrapped. Also – the soundtrack features Jon Bon Jovi’s first recorded appearance.
2. The Podrace Commentator
This entire ‘action’ sequence made it onto our ‘Classic Scene’ series for being so bloody awful, and this character is a large part of that awfulness. A two headed alien that provides its own back and forth banter while commentating a sporting event is the kind of lame, childish humour that is straight out of an 80’s Saturday morning cartoon. It’s annoying, pointless and stupid…
Worst Moment:…and then it does a little dance.
1. General Grevious
The bulk of this list features characters who had little to no bearing on the plot of the movie they feature in. The number one spot is awarded to the character whose crapness is in direct proportion to their role in the narrative. The villains of Star Wars are menacing (Vader), evil (Count Dooku) or at least cool (Darth Maul) – this guy is the corniest, most over-the-top, most ridiculous bad guy this side of a pantomime. He prances around his ship actively flapping his cape and wishing he has a pencil mustache to twirl whilst everyone else is trying to do serious space drama. Seeing this robot man lurch around cackling doesn’t sit well beside an old man having his limbs and head sliced off. When he busted out his four-armed-spinning-lightsaber attack on Obi-Wan I laughed so hard I gave myself hernia. He also demonstrates the lack of imagination Lucas has these days…I’m guessing his second choice for the name was ‘Mister Bad Guy’.
Worst Moment: The fact that Obi-Wan never once uses his Force powers to unwind his screws and watch him fall to bits.