The Ten Video Games Not Helping My Argument


Yesterday I made an argument about gamers being the victim of negative public perception. And whilst I am totally on the money I do concede that some games make us look like a pack of raving lunatics – something that becomes a bigger problem when we find the game fun. Some games challenge the gamer with distasteful situations as part of a horror sequence or a moral choice system such as killing the Little Sisters in Bioshock and they they have the intended effect. Instead we turn the focus of games that allows us to act outside of the social norms in the name of entertainment.

10. Custer’s Revenge

Urgh. This is a game that will live in infamy. Everything about it is completely repulsive. You control the titular General Custer who is naked save for a cowboy hat and sporting a boner while guide him past falling arrows towards an equally naked Indian girl tied to post so you can rape her. Seriously, that’s the entire game. In addition to the revolting subject matter, it looks terrible, it plays terrible and marked an early low in the gaming industry.

I'm not googling images of this trash. If you're that keen for Atari2600 era erections look for it yourself. For everyone else, enjoy this kitten.

9. Duke Nukem Forever

A game that is only remarkable for the massive delays it suffered prior to release. After more than ten years in the works most people would hope they didn’t bother. Riding on the brand name the game features, in addition to the trite premise and pointless gore, nudity, sexism on an epic scale, interactive sex toys, the ability to take a piss in a urinal, shit left in toilets and human breasts growing out of alien walls that Duke can slap in order to earn points. This is a game packed with adult content that no self-respecting adult would want to play.

Classy.

8. Gears of War

Another game that would only be enjoyed by the people too young to buy it. Sure, using giant guns to bloodily gun down alien hordes is nothing new to gamers, but Gears of War takes it an extra mile by strapping a chainsaw to the gun for some close-quarters dismemberment. The level of splatter on show is pornographic.

When you can't see the game past the splatter, you've gone overboard.

7. Mortal Kombat

Ah, the original public outcry. The original Mortal Kombat was not the first one-on-one fighting game but it was the first to depict an extreme level of violence. In this list we’re referring to the recent remake/reboot/sequel/special release with a new hat version. Most fighting games slip by largely unnoticed either by adhering to traditional martial arts of cartoon characters, whilst this game is excessively bloody and gory. The real offense that makes gamers look psychotic is the games habit of zooming in and switching to X-Ray vision to show us bones breaking and organs rupturing (which doesn’t impede the characters ability to do roundhouse kicks).

On the plus side it helps gets learn about denistry.

6. Doki Doki Majo Shinpan!

Goddamn it. This game features the player charged with the task of uncovering witches posing as underage girls. This is achieved by groping them until they reveal themselves. Just to turn the creep factor up a notch, this is a Nintendo DS game…which means you’re using the touch screen. Also of note – Doki Doki Majo Shinpan, Rapelay, Battleraper and Battleraper II. What the hell, Japan?!

"No officer, I was looking up Japanese rape simulators for research! I mean...oh, damn."

5. Columbine Massacre RPG and V-Tech Rampage

Just putting this out there guys – if we want to improve our public image, stop making crap like this. Both are made by bedroom programmers and not intended intended for the buying public. Regardless, the sick minds behind them just gave every politician who are opposed to video game violence fodder to throw to the headlines. The designer of the first game claimed it was to ‘examine the issue’, whilst the designer of the latter just used it to exploit money out of people who were offended. Please don’t tar us with the same brush as these assholes.

A Community Message for Those Who Made This Game: Screw You.

4. Grand Theft Auto series

Here’s an example of the fun outweighing the content. GTA is notorious for essentially being a crime spree simulator, and this isn’t far of the mark. Whilst the game rewards players for advancing the story, not causing death and destruction, the rest of the content is pretty nasty. You don’t need to ability to mug, rob and maim to advance the story and more recent titles in the series has fazed these elements out in favour of bowling and darts. In relation to convincing people that gamers are regular folk and not sociopaths however, it’s not helping.

STOP CALLING ME FOR BOWLING, COUSIN!

3. Chiller

Before Grand Theft Auto, before Mortal Kombat there was Chiller. This game wasn’t widely known because many video arcades refused to stock it and it was never made available on for the home market. The game had one goal and one mechanic – torture. Whilst in many games the villains need to be hunted or defended against, in this game they are already chained up to walls, chairs and torture devices waiting for you to shoot their bodies to pieces. It’s unbelievable that anyone thought this game was suitable for a public arcade, let alone suitable for anyone, anywhere.

Trust me, the kitties are easier on the eyes.

2. Manhunt

Rockstar makes their second appearance on the list. Whilst GTA is often driven primarily by the story and the characters, Manhunt has only a flimsy framework upon which to build its gameplay. You play as a death row inmate who is rescued by a psycho who wants him to run a gauntlet through other psychos whilst sneakily killing them off with a range of items. There’s no reason to defend this game. The challenge is to stand behind a person as long as possible, the reward for doing it well is a more grotesque display of violent murder.

"No! Blue clashes with my shoes!"

1. Postal

Here’s a game that set out to intentionally create controversy, which is the representation of the gaming industry that we want to shed. The game centers on ‘Postal Dude’ who has a list of mundane tasks to complete whilst being hassled, mocked and spat on by annoying people, encouraging the player to ‘go postal’ and attack them in horrible ways. It’s considered to be amusing for the player to respond to a person cutting a line by breaking about an automatic weapon and enjoyable to urinate on dismembered corpses. This is one game I’m happy not to be exposed to.

That's the same gesture I'm making towards the games developers right now.

Quite a nasty little line-up of games…but remember that these are sourced from 30 years of gaming that sees thousands of new titles every year. Don’t judge us by them, judge the people who designed them.