‘The Tourist’ DVD Review

Director: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck

Starring: Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie

Plot: Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie go to Venice.

Review: You can’t fault the marketing for this movie. They promoted it has featuring two beautiful people getting up to hijinks in a beautiful city. They delivered on that fantastically. If only they’d promoted the movie has having a story, exciting action, funny jokes, characters with more depth than a puddle or at least something that isn’t going to bore the shit out of me.

Posing is acting, right?

How can this movie be so boring? Action and bumbling comedy come together in a classic cinematic setting, yet they made it boring. That takes some special effort, that. After a somewhat intriguing introduction with Angelina Jolie being a spy, she needs a patsy and puts the whammy on widowed teacher Johnny Depp so he follows her around like a puppy and everyone thinks he’s some kinda crime lord. After some implied sexual tension they basically move from one glamorous locale to another, affording Jolie plenty of costume changes, so she can pout her lips while Depp mumbles his lines.

All the information in the above paragraph is the complete biography of the characters. They literally have nothing else to them. I’m pretty sure the script just had ‘Angelina’ and ‘Johnny’ in place of character names. In spite of the attempts at old-school mistaken identity capers, nothing manages to raise any interest. There’s some moronic twist at the end that doesn’t hold up to the slightest scrutiny, but apart from that I couldn’t tell you how it ends. I’d gotten so bored that I started tidying up my theatre room about eight months ahead of schedule.

It gets one star for an unflinchingly honest marketing, and one for motivating me to tidy up the room a little.

TWO outta TEN

"This is as much acting as I will do."