Star Wars in Review: The Holiday Special

Over the past few weeks I’ve written reviews of the six Star Wars movies (with a total of 31 Stars assigned), the recent documentary The People vs George Lucas, and constructed lists based on the worst characters and coolest moments. Now it’s time to address the Star Wars movie that not even George Lucas will try and defend – and he defended Jar Jar Binks. Lucas has even done everything in his power to prevent it from being broadcast ever again or be released on video.

Fortunately the internet is alive and uncensored and it can be viewed. Prepare for the Star Wars Holiday Special!

Director: George Lucas

Cast: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Bea Arthur, Peter Mayhew

Plot: It’s ‘Life Day’ and Chewbacca is late to get home to his family to celebrate. His family – Malla, Lumpy and Itchy – pass the time.

Review: If you ever need proof that George Lucas was a terrible film-maker, look no further. It’s long been noted that the original film in the series was closely monitored by the studio and this follow up is something that no director should have put out. It defies the basic elements of story telling and film-making.

Let’s start at the beginning. The three main characters don’t speak English. Or any language. They just grunt and growl at each other and Lucas provides no translation or subtitles at all. None. The viewer has to rely on body language and expression to interpret the story – something of an issue when the characters are in full body fur suits and immovable masks. How does anyone look at this during production and not rethink things?

What a magnificent beast! Right next to that Wookie...

The rest of the film is divided up into short segments that come about through Lumpy watching television or Itchy watching porn. Some of them seem reasonable – such as a cartoon about Boba Fett – but fail through poor production values. The animation in this section is terrible, and the acting in the others is terrible with cheap sets and costumes throughout. A couple of them are downright surreal. Itchy watching a VR program of a human woman seducing him while he growls in a happy fashion is beyond creepy. Even stranger is instructional video that Lumpy watches. It features a man giving instructions on how to set-up a strange device. We don’t know what it’s for, and Lucas for some ungodly reason includes the whole edited video. I have no idea what would possess someone to include something like this.

Even C3PO knows this is fucked up.

Whenever the original Star Wars cast turn up they look embarrassed beyond belief. Harrison Ford in particular looks murderous at times, like he’s going to stab Lucas for talking him into this (or possibly because he saw what his animated counterpart looks like). Hamill had been spending time in the sun and now looks like a doped up Ken doll. When you finally think the nightmare is over, Carrie Fisher launches into a musical number.

"Hi there! Can I lick your eyeball?"

It’s crap. Beyond crap. It isn’t remotely like the Star Wars movie that preceded it. It’s dull and dragged out and completely insane. It features cooking shows, Wookie porn and a drawn out musical number by one of the Golden Girls. Plus I keep getting the sneaky feeling that Lumpy is a furry sex offender.

Score: ZERO

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