The 10 Biggest Superhero Movie Fails

Us geeks live in a golden age for seeing our superheroes come to live. We have seen pitch-perfect cinematic renditions of Batman, the X-Men, Iron Man…even the legends of the industry such as Watchmen have been well handled. With the Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises and The Avengers spaced out over the next few months things couldn’t be better. Except for the superheroes who were mishandled. Not every movie has delivered the goods and while some have been forgettable others have been downright terrible. Here they are…

10. ‘The Fantastic Four’ Fails Again and Again

Now, I know what you’re going to ask – am I talking about the 1994 Roger Corman version, the big budget version or the tired sequel to the latter? The answer is all three. Whenever the Fantastic Four have been brought to the big screen is has failed on a big scale. The first time it turned up can be excused because it was never intended to be seen. The studio merely needed a film made to retain the rights to the material so this nonsense was churned out. With the lowest of budgets and most unknown of casts the studio did pull a dick move by sending the actors out to promote a film that wouldn’t be released. The shocking mess is available on youtube for the brave.

When the big budget remake rode the X-Men‘s tight leather coat-tails into cinemas it made plenty of box-office but was a critical flop and has since been dismissed by fans. It was promoted (and touted by defenders of the film) as being a ‘proper’ comic book film. It seems that by ‘proper’ they mean based of comic books from the 1960s. It’s a fluffy, awkward film padded out with product placement with a terrible script. The sequel was even worse.

9. Studio Doesn’t Know What’s Best for ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’

Alan Moore is considered of the legends of the comic industry. Between Watchmen, V For Vendetta, From Hell and more he’s made a pretty big mark in the history of comics and comic based movies. When it came to his longest running series, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, the studio who financed the film felt that they could handle the material better than the author and promptly started making changes based on what they thought the audience would want. A woman leading a team of super-heroes? Madness! Put Sean Connery in charge! An all British team? Ludicrous! Throw in a token American! And while you’re at it, take a famous child of American literature and turn him into an adult spy! Then turn the romance of the two leads into a weird love triangle where Mina, instead of hooking up with Quartermain, flirts with Tom Sawyer while Quartermain acts as a demented old father figure.

With all those major plot points, also throw out the logic, subtlety and any redeeming qualities whatsoever.

8. Sylvester Stallone Wants ‘Judge Dredd’ to be Sylvester Stallone

If there’s one thing that’s been consistent about the stories of Judge Joe Dredd, it’s that he never shows his face. In the decades of comics written he has only removed his signature helmet once and the panel was censored. This is point of the character – he’s not a person, he is the face of the law and justice in the dystopian future. Sure, he had his catchphrases and distinctive weaponry and uniform, but the role of the character extends far beyond simple gadgets. Stallone didn’t see it that way. He just saw a title he could step into without any real effort. The end result was a grimacing, catchphrase spouting, helmet not wearing waste of everyone’s time.

7. ‘Elektra’ Blatantly Rips Off Anime

The very definition of a dumb idea – take a movie that was a critical and box-office flop, take the standard issue love interest character who was killed off and give her a spin-off movie where she is brought back to life for some reason. Maybe if they had a really good concept to build on, or an interesting character arc to explore, it would be worth it. But they didn’t. They had a small collection of Japanese animated films which they assumed no Western people had seen and set themselves the task of ripping them off. Nothing was pillaged more then Ninja Scroll with set pieces, action sequences and even characters being recycled.

6. ‘Spawn’ Could’ve Been a Pioneer

The 1980s saw comics taking a darker, serious tone with The Dark Knight Returns and Watchmen becoming best sellers. In the 1990s writers started pushing the envelope and exploring darker territories. Into this market came Spawn, the story about a US Marine who is betrayed by his best friend in combat and sent to hell. There he strikes a deal with the Devil to become a a Hellspawn, a hell-themed superhero trying to do right but often falling into the devils traps.

With the comic book movie trend just beginning to roll, Spawn could’ve been the original ‘dark’ comic movie, betting movies such as Watchmen and Batman Begins by almost two decades. Instead we get low-grade CGI, hokey action, terrible scripting, Doctor Claw voices the devil and John Leguizamo playing a clown while wearing a fat suit.

Good soundtrack though.

5. Playboy Model Tries to Remake ‘Casablanca’

In spite of the fact that she cannot act in the slightest, Pamela Anderson wasn’t a terrible choice to play the title character in Barb Wire. Being about a sassy bar owner/mercenary in a post-apocalyptic future wreak of a city nobody was expecting an exception script. Following the formula for this find of thing would’ve been satisfactory. But for some amazingly stupid reason the producers felt that this was an amble opportunity for a remake of cinematic classic Casablanca. This idiotic film features the same character relationships and hits all the same plot points, but with Pam Anderson in the Humphrey Bogart role. The famously quotable closing scene is replaced with this snappy exchange:

Willis: Where will you go?
Barb: Well, I hear Paris is nice this time of year.
Willis: I do believe I’m falling in love.
Barb: Get in line!

Urgh.

4. ‘Blade Trinity’ Makes ‘Twilight’ Look Good

Hardly a ground breaking series to begin with, the Blade films had made their mark with their gory scenes, distinctive reworking of the hero and decent scripts. Then this happened. Wesley Snipes allegedly spent so much time holed up in his trailer with his face buried in a bucket of cocaine, only emerging for close-up dialogue shots, that his body double build a reasonable case for getting equal billing. Not that it mattered with 90% of the movie given over to Ryan Reynolds’ ‘witty’ banter/ab flexing and Jessica Biel fulfilling her contract to promote Apple products. Both were only there in order to set the ground work for a spin-off featuring the two actors the target audience have actually heard off. Then there’s the hokey villain ‘Drac’, scenes making fun of goths (one of the target audiences) and a mutant Chihuahua and who have a big pile of fail.

3. Mark Steven Johnson Exists

After a couple of crowd pleasing comedies involving men who are both grumpy and old in the early 1990s, director Mark Steven Johnson used his new found bargaining power to get himself the job of directing superhero flicks. Twice he took on two of the easiest titles to adapt, two of the most badass characters, two titles which could give the subgenre a bit if edge. I’m talking about Daredevil and Ghostrider. Yet, someone, he managed to turn both of these films into big piles of poo. They both feature hammy acting, stodgy CGI, stupid character and stupider scripts. Both were heavily promoted to have large-ish openings that took a dive straight into the bargain bin. What do you expect from a trailer featuring lines like “I feel like my head’s on fire” from a movie about a guy who’s head is on fire.

2. The Man of Steel Buckles

When a practically unknown superhero such as Steel produces a dud of a film no-one cares. When a truly iconic hero such as Superman delivers a clunker it’s a bit more disappointing. Superman nailed it (except for that ‘turning time backwards’ nonsense), bringing the Man of Steel to life on the big screen in a way we couldn’t have imagined. The sequel did pretty well, especially the recent re-edit. Then the third film tried to take the comedic route which is both baffling and stupid with Richard Pryor getting almost as much screen time. But this had nothing on how terrible Nuclear Man was in the fourth film. Even if you couldn’t see all the wires holding people in the air a yellow spandex clad mullet wearing scratching at Superman with his stuck-on nails would ruin the film. Superman Returns almost brought it back from the pit but the focus on family drama dulled things.

Did they forget who the movie was supposed to be about?

1. ‘Batman and Robin’. Just…’Batman and Robin’

Oh, you bastards. Ruin all the superhero movies you want. Ruin Superman if you want. But you do NOT pull this shit with Batman. Sure he’s been campy in the past, but that was the past. A time when America was being shocked by the images of war on their televisions for the first time they wanted escapism for their entertainment. That’s why the Adam West ‘Batman’ series was the way it was. Schumacher’s Batman and Robin has no excuse. George Clooney has no excuse. Uma Thurman has no excuse. Alicia Silverstone and Chris O’Donnell…well, they’re not going to do any better.

This movie is bad on every level. It’s campy, ridiculous, terribly acted, cheaply made, nonsensical, cringe-worthy and more mean words I’m not going to bother writing. There isn’t any one redeemable quality to the film and even if you could find one it would be cancelled out by the Bat-Credit Card scene.