Spam Emails: Seriously Though; What The F— Happened?

Hedgie ‘s brain hurts, read on fair traveller.

Back when the internet first became a thing, when stock images like the one above were used to explain to the typical layman just how the internet worked and 90’s early morning television was asking “what is internet?”, spam email was a fledgling method of scamming unsuspecting rubes out of their hard earned cash money. Now, it’s important to remember that in this context ‘rubes’ means ‘pretty much everyone’ because outside of a few small sectors, most people didn’t have access to the internet, and those who did had 28.8k dialup or 56k if they were really, really lucky. And yet spam, when it first began to surface as a method for duping the unsuspecting, there was a level of finesse involved.

Sadly, that no longer seems to be the case.

Look. I don’t check my spam filter very often; I use gmail and it just does it all, so I only have to chime in once a month to fish out the occasional iTunes receipt. Most of the time I just skim until I see something that’s of note and open it, but on my last such expedition I decided to have a look at what was being sent these days. I expected a level of sophistication that would quickly suggest I vastly overestimated those who would send such emails. Vastly. There are no words for how vast my overestimation was.

In the first days of the Nigerian 419 scam, users would be sent an email detailing the sad plight of some displaced yet ridiculously wealthy African who desperately needed your help to move his funds out of a war torn nation. You would, naturally, be richly rewarded. The emails were long, written in limited English but realistic enough to convince stay-at-home-moms and the occasional grandma to provide their bank accounts.

Below, you will see the most recent of this type of email I received:

What? I’m honestly not sure what this is aiming to achieve. Ignoring the grammatical and spelling errors as they could legitimately be caused by an unfamiliarity with English, I walk away from this email not really know what the point is. They want me details, that much is obvious but why am I supposedly doing this? An obscured business operation? What does that even mean? Apparently I find out more about the project after “Dr D. Subbaao” has sent me the $5.5mil and I’ve sent him my personal information. The problem is I am unsure what the ‘project’ even is, and so why would I send him anything? 

Then we have this next one:

First off, no I didn’t receive that last email from you from Thailand (why would I need to know that you were in Thailand?) so, that’s going to be a problem when I try to figure out later just what the fuck you’re on about. Secondly, and I repeat this with gusto; what!?

She’s moved the funds (what funds?) to Paris and thanks me for my effort and time (you’re welcome?) and then tells me we didn’t actually succeed and that it was a French business tycoon who actually did all the heavy lifting. She still wants to give me money though, so I have to contact a lawyer (I checked and that web address doesn’t exist) via her new lawyer/legal adviser (is he French too?) in Thailand (guess not) before she leaves Thailand (so that’s why you told me you were in Thailand before) and goes to Paris (what an intricate web you weave).

Anyway she’s very busy (this sounds like the script of Tommy Wiseau’s The Room more and more) and has to go but I have to contact her lawyer without delay. On an email address that doesn’t exist.

The part that gets me is the line about my “perseverance, effort, sincerity, courage and trustworthiness”. Did I have to break into a secret vault and defeat henchmen for you recently? Because only that could be described as “perseverance, effort, sincerity, courage and trustworthiness” to the tune of $750k. 

What happened to the finesse, the sob story, the subtle nuance involved in weaving a tale to bilk me from my money? Who would fall for this? Who is this even aimed at?

Then we have:

No, I don’t think I will, mysterious stranger and it gets worse from there because these days I seem to get an inordinate amount of spam from German casinos. I neglected to take a screen cap of the spam folder before I deleted them for the month but please trust me when I say there on average I seem to be getting about forty emails a month, all of which look like this:

Now I have nothing against Germans, nor Germany. I have German friends. I’d like to visit. I just have no idea what this spam is trying to achieve. I don’t speak German, nor does anything online suggest I do. My email account was signed up for in the UK I suppose but I’m just in the dark about why this is something I would get sent. I do suppose it’s no stranger than Canadian Pharmacies with .ru web domains:

But all of this is nothing compared to what first made me want to write this article. We all know that sex sells. Sex is used to sell everything from cars to clothing to food to personal hygiene products to phones. Sex is a big part of human life and despite what videos like the one below would have you believe, it’s not just about checking your bank account or using an encyclopaedia.

The internet in 2012 is made up of three things: cat pictures, porn and other.

Which is why there should be no surprise that a lot of my spam is from allegedly sexy girls wanting to hook up in my area. That’s right: I’m apparently a sexual magnet for the fairer sex. Poor them. Or maybe not, as the emails themselves make for some truly hilarious, and downright awkward reading. Take this first example:

Horny Italian teens fucking big cock. Who would be able to resist that? Or this:

She is a woman, and only attracted to a man. She’s seen my pic, and loves me a lot. Whoa! Slow down there girl. We just met. Actually we haven’t met. I think you have this “find man, fall in love, then speak to him” thing a little backwards. First comes anonymous sex in a nightclub toilet followed by several weeks of ignoring your calls followed by an awkward meeting in a grocery store. Then we  get to talk, and then you fall in love with me and then I turn out to be married with four children. It’s a romantic fantasy come to life.

Anyway, I can’t be in a relationship with you because apparently I have this stunning beauty on my horizon:

Wait. Well appointed? Are you an apartment? Do you come with a laundry room or do I have to go down to the basement and get attacked by the plebs from the third floor? 

Now we’re talking! Mind control! Sounds exciting! And cordial!

Wait no, this one makes it sound much less interesting so I’ll pass. But if gils don’t want em to see it. Hmm. Could Ms Charity Peacock sway me before she goes on stage to do her drag routine? Seems unlikely. Won’t somebody speak to me about the real issues I am having in my love life?

Oh good. Thankfully Dean swoops in with a rescue. Now I can achieve some girl. Just don’t watch if you’re a woman. 

Wait. Didn’t I already get this email from Katie back in image six? Is Katie the same person as Nata? What’s happening? It’s living in a Kafka novel. Characters change allegiances and even identities right before your eyes and nothing can be believed at first sight. Next thing you know, aliens will be sending me a warning from some distant planet.

Oh for the love of.

Who are those supposed to entice? What are those last few even trying to do? Most of them don’t have links or attachments so they can’t be malware and the ones that do just link to tumblrs – which I didn’t click on because knowing my luck it’d link to child porn or something equally as abhorrent and I’d be forced to explain; and of course nobody would believe I was directed there by a spam email. Who the fuck reads their spam?

So this is an open letter to all the email scammers and spammers out there. Put some fucking effort in. This here, is just sad. You’ve clearly given up, and it’s making me want to send you money out of pity.

WAIT A MINUTE! So that’s your plan!

 

UPDATE: I needed to update with this, because I got it today and it’s just amazing. Truly amazing. I’m going to put it below without further comment.

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You can harass the author of this post on Twitter: @CAricHanley

Sender emails have been removed as some appeared to be the hijacked accounts of real, live humans.