What the New ‘Poltergeist’ Movie is Really About


So they’ve remade Tope Hooper’s (or Steven Spielberg, depending on who you ask) classic horror Poltergeist. This will come as no shock to anyone who’s been alive for the past decade. Unlike most of the remakes this one made some degree of sense, as the original has not aged especially well. Will this be, as the trailer initially suggests, a completely pedestrian and unimaginative retread of the old script with an over-reliance on CGI but if you look closer you’ll find that it’s quite different.

The 2015 Poltergeist isn’t just banking on familiar images and audio, it’s tapping into a primal terror that haunts us every day. You might be looking at them right now…

Let’s begin by opening this door:

Poltergeist Trailer

Wait, is there something hanging about me? What could it be?

Poltergeist Trailer

OH GAWD IT’S A HAND!!! MY WORST FEAR!!!

Poltergeist Trailer

Thank goodness that’s over. It would later turn out that there was an evil clown attached to it, but I never got over the fright of seeing that hand.

Poltergeist Trailer

Wait, what are you doing…don’t go mucking around by putting your hand on that TV…

Poltergeist Trailer

OH NO! YOU’VE SUMMONED MORE HANDS SOMEHOW!

Poltergeist Trailer

Ok, those hands have gone away. Let’s do something sensible like wandering into this mysteriously large and dark cupboard. Hopefully there’s nothing terrible in there like a…

Poltergeist Trailer

OH NO THERE’S A HAND IN THERE AND IT’S HAND-BUDDIES ARE GOING TO GET US!

Poltergeist Trailer

THE HANDS THEY HAVE ME!

Poltergeist Trailer

CRIPES, THEY’RE COMING OUT THE DOORS!

Poltergeist Trailer

NOW A MUDDY ONE IS COMING OUT OF THE FLOOR!

Poltergeist Trailer

Now this isn’t so bad, he’s just puking up slime and maggots.

Poltergeist Trailer

BUT SUDDENLY THERE’S A HAND!

Poltergeist Trailer

BUT WHOSE HAND IS IT!

Poltergeist Trailer

NOW THE CLOWN IS JUMPING AT US WITH HIS HAAAAAAANDS!

Poltergeist Trailer

GETTING PULLED UP THE STAIR BY WHAT I ASSUME IS AN INVISIBLE HAAAAAAND!

Poltergeist Trailer

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDS!

Seriously, it looks like the only thing this remake has to offer is random hands popping out unexpectedly. Hey, Poltergeist remake – I’ve got a hand for you!

mister-rogers-flips-bird-photoshop

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