‘Salt’ Retro Review

A Review by G-Funk

Director: Phillip Noyce

Cast: Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber

Plot: A CIA finds out that she might be a Russian sleeper agent. Or she might not be. Or she might be.

Review: Many people I know seem to assume that I’m such a film snob that I don’t let myself simply sit back and enjoy a movie. This couldn’t be further from the truth – as a cinema fanatic there’s nothing I enjoy more than being able to dim the lights and let myself get swept up in a great film.

But sometimes a movie can launch you out of the experience by forcing you to question what’s happening on screen. You know – why they didn’t just turn Harry into someone else instead of turning everyone into Harry, since the bad guys were looking for him? Or why Michael Caine couldn’t just fly Leo’s kids over to France for him? This doesn’t always happen, and it certainly doesn’t happen more than once in a film.

Here’s a list of questions I had while watching Salt.
1) How can they scan his brain from over there without attaching anything to him?
2) How did she get out of that interrogation room? They just finished talking about how secure it was!

3) Why don’t they get up and go after her instead of talking about it? She’s only a few rooms away, you can see her!
4) Seriously, what’s with her lips?
5) Did she just walk out the front door? All that security and they didn’t lock the door?
6) Those dudes are very clearly sprinting while she’s jogging – why haven’t they caught up to her yet?
7) Why aren’t half the people in the subway paying attention to this?
8) Does she really think that beanie makes her blend in? I thought she was an expert at this.
9) What’s the point of changing your hair colour if those lips can still be seen from space? Her most distinctive feature is still very visible.
10) Why do you keep staring at everyone as though you plan on eating their pets? Aren’t you trying to be inconspicuous?
11) Did the Russians not get the memo about the Cold War ending?
12) Is that the music from The Terminator?
13) Yeah, you don’t really think that short hair makes you pass for a dude do you?
14) Was that seriously you assassination plan?
15) Fuck, is this movie still going? I thought they resolved all that spy stuff about a half hour ago.

Well, at least they didn’t go with Tom Cruise. If he was smirking through this it would’ve been really unbearable.

Score: THREE outta TEN