16 Random Thoughts While Watching ‘Transformers 2’

A review by G-FUNK

So here’s what happened…people tell me that my reviews of bad movies are more entertaining than any other. So occasionally subject myself to a movie that I’m not going to enjoy. This may seem dumb, but bad movies are funny, you can learn from their mistakes and trashing them in reviews is fun. I did not enjoy the first Transformers movie, mostly because it took an hour for Optimus Prime to show up.

But I’d made a mistake. It wasn’t funny, it was just bad. I resolved myself to get through it, jotting down my notes as I went for a review. This is what happened…

1. “Humans are a lot like us…” What the fuck are you talking about Optimus?

2. Is there really a wacky, wise cracking ice-cream truck who makes ice-related puns? Did film-makers learn nothing from Batman and Robin?

3. Humping dogs…the height of comedy.

4. I think Megan Fox just impregnated that motorcycle.

5. A robot blender is shooting things with its penis. Could this be funnier then the humping dogs? Seems not – they’re showing the dogs again.

I have no idea what I'm looking at.

6. All the explosions sound muffled. That’s odd.

7. My god they found someone with less personality than LeBouf to play his room-mate.

8. Did that dog transformer just robo-barf?

9. Sure, let’s replace acting with talking to a dog.

10. Are they seriously selling Rainn Wilson as a sex symbol? No offense to the man, but things don’t work like that.

11. Amazingly Lebouf trying to act smart makes him look like an even bigger idiot.

12. Geez tank man, say it don’t spray it.

13. Revenge is yours? On that aircraft carrier?

14. Why doesn’t Megan Fox mind the robot humping her leg?

15. I swear the script writer had a series of strokes while writing this – the number of times people repeat things is really odd. “…by destroying suns”. “Destroying suns?” “Like blowing them up?”

16. Fuck it, I’m playing ‘Arkham City’ instead.

Is there anything you can't do?