The Movies I’ll Never Finish Watching


No matter how bad a movie is, I’ll stick it out until the end. Sometimes just so I can write a review explaining how awful it is. Often it’s out of spite – I’ve wasted this much time on it, might as well see it through until the end. On occasion I’m just a glutton for punishment. But on the very, very rare occasion I’ll press the stop button, walk away and never look back. Here the ones…

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
aka The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The remarkable thing about not finishing this movie is the headspace I was in at the time. I was at university and studying film-making and I was a massive film geek. I watched everything regardless of quality. During one semester in particular I had focused on horror movies, giving me a huge appetite for crappy horror. I watched several a day and always enjoyed them. Except one.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is terrible even by crappy horror movie standards. The plot makes no sense at all with a random assorted of characters running around the woods with no joining scenes or consistent narrative to link them all together. Nobody has a backstory or a motivation. Characters turn up in places they have no right being in – most glaringly is the character is impaled on a meathook in the basement next being seen crawling across the road. How’d he get off the meathook and onto the road?! Needless to say the acting is shockingly bad – made all the more surprising since it stars Reene Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey.

It's actually worse than it looks in this grab.

W.

Man, was this an enticing concept. Just after he exists office the most loathed President of the United States is put under the lens of a director who isn’t afraid to pull punches. Oliver Stone was just the right kind of hard nosed film maker to dig through the headlines of both the right and the left to put together an expose that turned the caricature into a real person.

It was a nice idea, but the reality fell very short of the expectation. Not only was the film boring as hell but it seemed incapable of passing any form of judgement on the man. And if there was one thing we wanted to see, it was judgement. Instead Stone seemed determined to find some kind of magical middle ground that exists outside of the realm of bias. Every scene depicting Bush, Jr. as an arrogant redneck who makes poorly-informed decisions leading to economic and humanitarian disasters we’d cut back to another scene about how the poor, suffering man had a mean ‘ol dad.

The one saving grace could’ve been the performances, but this was acting. It was impersonating.

This pretty much sums it up.

Priest

I rented it, started watching it but didn’t get time to finish it before returning it to the library. No big dramatic story, the twenty minutes I saw just didn’t motivate me to finish it. I’ve seen it all before.

"There's something on my face, isn't there?"

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Oh god, this was awful. As detailed in the previous article on this particular turd I explained that I checked this out simply to have a film to make fun of. I didn’t know what I was getting into. The movie isn’t even bad in a funny way, like The Room…it’s just bad. Everything about it seems like it happened as a result of Michael Bay getting a head injury. I can’t imagine any way that a person who wasn’t tripping out on pain medication would include a scene of a robot blender shooting stuff with his penis while a dog humps somebodies leg for comedic effect.

 

Fuck you Blenderdongbot.