WTF Cinema Part 1: Age Of Dinosaurs
For your amusement, I will be embarking on my new series of WTF Cinema, where I purposefully subject myself to terrible movies on Netflix. Not always horror movies. But today, we will start with a horror film from our good friends at Asylum.
We are in a hospital somewhere, where researchers are conducting some kind of unknown research. Some scientists squabble. They bring in “Larry”. Larry looks like some kind of crazy shit is about to go down. This is not the creature you want to be trapped in a room with. Since this is an asylum feature, and I don’t know any of these actors, I’m assuming everyone is expendable. Oh, it’s just a komodo dragon, nothing strange here. One guy screams “DAMMIT! Stop this or I will!” No you won’t, no one has died yet. The beast wakes up, and someone reveals that no one in the room can get out because of emergency protocols. This is the experiment.
Some guy gets a nose bleed, and the beast smells the blood. The beast moves toward the dude with the unfortunate nose bleed. Someone knocks some medical supplies over, and the beast immediately decapitates them. Security guards start firing guns, and steam fills the room. Lots of screaming. Obviously, we don’t see anything… because that would require a budget. The beast slams his head against the glass to the observation room, and seemingly dies. From gunshot wounds?
“We weren’t ready.”
“Let these men and women die for nothing?”
“We have a budget!”
“I’m not going to let anything go wrong. That’s a promise.”
You should have made that promise before all your asian scientists died.
Treat Williams wakes up in his bed. With any luck, he’s playing himself. Fingers crossed. His daughter (Jillian Rose Reed, who plays Tamara on Awkward) is in the living room playing on her cell phone. He gets a phone call, and suddenly his daughter is spending the day with him. First reveal: Mom is dead. Mom gave Treat crap about driving with a quarter tank of gas. These facts are important! Awkward doesn’t want to go to the petting zoo.
We cut to Geneti-Sharp, where Treat and Awkward show up. There’s a presentaton on dinosaurs. Treat gets a hug from Security Guy, who got him into the announcement. Treat used to be a firefighter. THESE FACTS. WE NEED TO KNOW THEM. Evil Scientist from before is preparing the presentation, and he orders for tranqs to be around. Moral Scientist looks concerned. Evil scientist goes off to meet with Ronny Cox (Total Recall). Ronny Cox runs shit, and wants to make sure that these dinosaurs aren’t going to run around the city. He has grandkids, after all. Good news! They increased security by 50%. So, if they had 2 security guards before, they now have 3! That will make all the difference.
Treat lays some facts about dinosaurs on the audience, and on Awkward. Hot Blonde Lady walks out on stage. She reveals she used to be horribly burned, but thanks to Geneti-Sharp, she’s now hot. Now for the big reveal. Everyone dressed up like this is the Oscars. Bizzare. Ronny Cox rises from the stage, confined to a wheelchair. It’s like a Professor X hybrid wheelchair from the future, mixed with what you would imagine a low-budget film would produce. Awkward gets bored, and heads out to the lobby. Video of a dinosaur appears on the screen behind Ronny Cox. He babbles about genetics for a while.
Finally, horrible CGI dinosaurs are revealed. Live. To the audience. One walks out on stage. The score sounds like a bastardization of Jurassic Park at this point. Awkward is in the lobby listening to her Ipod. Treat gets up and looks face-to-face at one of the dinosaurs, which is in a glass cage. The he sits back down. Cause that isn’t weird. Ronny Cox is still talking, and I honestly have no idea what he’s rambling about. Worst speech ever. He wants to walk again. OH SHIT. He’s standing now! It’s a miracle! He’s been faith healed! His belief in dinosaurs has saved his legs, and now he can canoodle with the Hot Blonde.
A dinosaur is let out of its cage. It roars. Ronny reveals we’ve created 100 dinosaurs, for worldwide distribution so far. You might one day have one as a pet. This dinosaur they just let out isn’t responding to the sonic waves they were using to control it. Ronny calls the dino “cranky”. Moral Scientist tells them to spray the dinosaur. No cause for alarm. Nothing to see here. The dino is sedated temporarily. Larry crashes out of his cell and into the audience. Everyone panics and runs. Ronny tries to calm the audience. Larry starts to kill people. Larry conveniently smashes an electrical box that releases all the dinosaurs. Pterodactyls start flying around. Another random guy is eaten. Awkward is in the lobby, and hears a dinosaur. She screams. Treat runs to her. But Larry gets in his way. Larry gets tased by Security Guard. Treat and Security Guard go off to find Awkward.
“We have to split up”
Treat grabs an axe. Black Cop shows up. “I don’t care how crazy it sounds, I need to know!” “Dinosaurs are running loose.” Awkward is being hunted by a dino. She’s trying to hide from him. She locks herself in a small closet. Treat comes in and decapitates the dino with an axe.
Awkward: “You’re a firefighter. Find us a way out.”
Treat: “Leave your phone on. I’m going to text you every ten minutes.”
Technology. Keeping families together through ridiculous circumstances. The whole building is set up as a panic room, so everyone is locked in. Black Cop can’t get in. No one can get out. “Can dinosaurs climb?” You created FLYING DINOSAURS. Sixteen dinos escaped. “YOU TOLD ME JAPAN WAS UNDER CONTROL!” “I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT JAPAN!” “DOUG IS GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT JAPAN!” Pointless banter. Back to Awkward. Treat calls his daughter, instead of texting her. She, of course, has no signal. Somehow, Treat does have a signal. Black Cop gets a call from Treat. He tries to convince Black Cop there are dinos, so he takes a picture of the dino with his phone and sends it to Black Cop. Finally, Black Cop is a believer. 10 minutes till SWAT arrives.
A reporter in a helicopter is watching the event. She’d better hope those Pterodactyls don’t get out. Treat is being chased by a dino, while carrying a keg. This is no time for a kegger, Treat! The dino lunges at Treat, so he abandons the keg, and starts climbing up the elevator shaft. The dino in the elevator is exceeding the maximum weight limit, so the elevator crashes.
“IT WAS CONTAINABLE!”
But Evil Scientist can’t BE fired. He has THE KEY. Treat finds Evil, Moral, and Ronny arguing, and offers to help escort them to safety if they can help him find the key that gets his daughter out of the closet. They find the room, but can’t get in. A dino attacks them, and Moral Scientist gets his head eaten. Treat, Evil, and Ronny run into Black Cop and the SWAT team. They argue about who needs rescuing most. Awkward, Civilians, or Ronny. Black Cop and SWAT are ambushed by dinos, and a fight ensues, in slow motion. Black Cop starts using grenades. Asian Cop has been left in control outside, and determines that grenade use means, cut the power. Awkward is found by Security Guard. But the power is off, and Security Guard can’t get her out. He actually tries, even though there’s clearly no power on the keypad. He waits a few seconds for emergency power to kick on, and then gets her out. They leave to find Treat.
Evil Scientist is in a room somewhere by himself, and is quickly demolished by a dino. Treat goes back to the room where his daughter was. She left her headphones. SHE WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER HEADPHONES! Something must be wrong. Security Guard and Awkward go back into the main auditorium where a very large dino is eating people still. Black Cop and his team reach the room too, and order Security Guard and Awkward to get out. Black Cop and SWAT open fire on the dinos. Ronny Cox is somewhere else, again by himself, trying to leave. He is found by another very large dinosaur. He actually doesn’t get eaten. He hides. The dino that walked past Ronny breaks through a wall in the building and heads outside. Asian Cop orders them to open fire.
The reporter is still in the helicopter. These cops can’t handle the dino menace. The dino swings his tail into the cops. He eats some. Lots of outdoor cops die. Black Cop is alone in the auditorium, and sees Ronny Cox again. Black Cop is injured, but alive. He tells Ronny to get a good lawyer. Black Cop alerts the mayor, and tells him to lock down the city. Awkward and Security Guard make it outside. Treat is close behind, and reunites with the other two.
“Do you have your license?”
Cut to Awakward driving a car through the city streets with Treat in the backseat. The dino is chasing them. The reporter is still in the air. Treat fires two shots at the dino, before dropping his gun. The car is low on gas. I KNEW THAT FACT WAS IMPORTANT! The car dies in the middle of the road. Should have gotten a hybrid. The dino is still chasing them. Security Guard is on his bike, and tells Treat and Awkward to get to safety while he distracts the dino. He does this, by getting eaten, almost immediately. Awkward and Treat run into a mall. The dino finds them, and crashes into the mall. Panic ensues.
Awkward has far outran her dad. A Pterodactyl flies in and kills two random people. The dino then decides it wants to eat the Pterodactyl, so it starts trying to do that, instead of eating Treat. Reporter lady stumbles through her dialogue. Ronny Cox is back with his staff, who are still trying to figure out how to unlock the building. Treat steals another shotgun from a cop car. Awkward runs though a bar, and tells everyone to run. No one listens. A dino crashes into the bar, and starts eating people, and FINALLY people start running.
The reporter lady keeps asking to get in closer. The dino is trying to eat the helicopter. Treat pumps his shotgun. The dino finally grabs the helicopter and brings it down. Huge explosion. Awkward and Bar Survivor are running together. She asks which way, he checks his phone and his portfolio has gone down. And he gets eaten. Awkward locks herself behind a fence, away from the dino.
Treat is being stalked by a dino. Luckily, he has his trusty shotgun. Maybe he won’t drop this one. Treat sees Bar Survivor’s dead body. Awkward must be close. He calls out her name. They reunite, and a dino appears. Treat starts blasting away at it. They run inside, and close the door. Dinos can’t open doors. Win.
Oh shit. It just opened the door. Treat and Awkward run up the stairs of some kind of bizarre thrift shop. The dino is stalking them. The dino is probably like “what the fuck is this place?” Seriously, most non-descript store ever. Ronny is staring at his Professor X chair. He hears his boring speech rambling in his head. He sits back down in his chair. There’s this one light… just highlighting the chair… because that totally happens in real life.
Black Cop and Asian Cop reunite, and talk about how the National Guard is now involved. Ronny finds himself staring at a dino, with his staff. The dino is behind some glass, so they should be fine… for at least one more cutaway. Treat and Awkward banter in their hiding spot. She wants to stay, Treat wants to find a different hiding spot. She makes “absent father” comments. Awkward leaves the hiding spot she wants to stay in. Treat tries to stop her from leaving the hiding spot he wanted to leave. Ummmm….
Treat hears a dino in another part of the bizarre store. The dino is probably still trying to figure out what kind of store this is. So much random crap everywhere. The dino sees Awkward and moves in… in SLOW MOTION. Treat charges the dino… IN SLOW MOTION. Treat does a bad ass roll, an shoots the dino…. WITH FIRE. Treat activated explosive damage on his shotgun. Now shit is getting real. Awkward finds a hockey stick, and thinks that will protect her. You’re not fighting Jason, you’re fighting dinosaurs. Stupid girl.
The dino that was on fire, isn’t dead, he’s just angry, and he’s still following them. They hide again, still somewhere in the random store from hell. This store sells everything. Treat hits it with a 2X4, and Awkward finishes it off by going American Psycho on its head with the hockey stick. OH SHIT. ANOTHER DINO! Treat orders Awkward to the roof. He smashes the dino with the 2X4.
“IS THERE ANYONE COMING TO HELP US?” Ronny cries. Umm…. they DID come. Do you have Alzheimer’s also? No wait, that’s another movie. A dino crashes into the staff room. Ronny’s two female staffers just scream a lot. Tons of dinos run into the city. Where’s a Sharknado when you need one? Pterodactyls attack helicopters. Ronny made it out, and he’s in a helicopter now. Awkward made it to the roof where Ronny is planning on landing.
“I’m gonna thread the needle, through the pipe, 5X5.” Do helicopter pilots actually speak like that? Awkward convinces Ronny to help her rescue her dad. Black Cop encounters the stampede of dinos. He’s probably dead. Ronny isn’t walking so good anymore. Seems like his super drug is wearing off.
We are show the aftermath of the stampede. Black Cop and Asian Cop survived. Most of the other cops are dead though.
“He’s a firefighter. He doesn’t leave people behind, and neither do I!”
Treat reunites with Awkward and Ronny, and they head to the roof together. Ronny can’t walk anymore. Ronny decides he can’t go on. Ronny tells Treat and Awkward to go on without him. A big dino crashes into a building. The dino destroys two helicopters. Ronny sacrifices himself so Treat and Awkward can live, and slowly starts walking back downstairs. Ronny starts thinking about his final words. Better make it good… there’s a dino coming.
He’s ready to be eaten. Prepared for death. His final words are “Rock And Roll”. Treat and Awkward make it to the roof. Helicopters are shooting at Pterodactyls. Just like the World War Z scene, Treat and Awkward jump for a helicopter while being chased by dinos. This scene features the worst special effects in the whole movie. BY FAR. Awkward doesn’t make it, and Treat drops her. As she’s falling, a flying dino comes and grabs her and takes her off. The helicopter pursues. It drops Awkward off at the Hollywood sign. They are able to swoop down and get her. Hopefully Treat doesn’t have butterfingers still. The helicopter is attacked by a flying dino. They lose control. Treat jumps onto the hollywood sign as the helicopter crashes.
The flying dino can’t decide who to eat first, but Treat lures the dino to him, trapping the dino in the remains of the chopper, and then pushing it off a cliff. Treat and Awkward are safe! They sit on the Hollywood sign an look at the demolished Los Angeles. The sun sets. The movie ends.
There is no resolution here. I suppose we just ASSUME we win.
Probable Survivors: Treat, Awkward, Black Cop, Asian Cop
Not Actually Shown Being Eaten (could be alive): Female Staffers, Family Trapped In Vault, Hot Blonde Lady
Man, what a thrill ride!