Why I Hate Gwyneth Paltrow with a Passion

by

I don’t hate celebrities. What’s the point? If I don’t like them I just don’t pay them any heed. Ben Stiller’s brand of humour doesn’t work for me, but it doesn’t make me hate him. I don’t go and see and see his movies because they’d annoy me. It’s not worth wasting energy on. Gwyneth Paltrow is a different story though. I hate her like I hate stepping on a bee. I hate Gwyneth Paltrow like I hate using a cold damp towel to dry off after a hot shower. I hate her like I hate The Phantom Menace. My sheer, unbridled hatred of Paltrow has come up on this site several times before, with movies routinely having a star removed for featuring her (unless she gets decapitated or has a cranial autopsy). Inquires as to the reason for this have been made but it hasn’t been addressed. Until now…

DO IT!

In summation, she has a rotten attitude. This may not seem like a reason worthy of such bile, but her attitude is that her ‘wisdom’ and ‘beliefs’ must be imparted to us all for our own good – while she remains oblivious to the fact that she was born into luxury and her ‘wisdom’ is only applicable to people who, like her, are in the 1%. You see, Gwyneth is the daughter of a successful actress and movie/television producer who could afford a pampered life for their children. Far from a bad thing – everyone wants to provide the best for their children and if they can then more luck to them. Gwyneth was sent to Crossroads School, known for it’s large population of Hollywood children, and the illustrious Spence School, a private girls school in New York.

With this upbringing it’s not difficult to see why Paltrow has trouble seeing that the life available to her isn’t so easily accessible to the larger population. It sounds like she was insulated from the filthy masses by a thick layer of wealth. Like many people born into a wealthy showbiz family any career she wanted to try out simply became available to her. After beginning an Arts degree at University she dropped out in 1990, announcing her intentions to be an actress. For the average person this would be sacrificing a higher education that they may not have another chance at to pursue a nigh on impossible dream, accepting a life of poverty and struggling to chase a dream. For Gwyneth it took less than a year to break in the biz. Likewise with her ‘music career’, after singing in a movie she announced she would release some singles and BOOM it happens.

Maybe she gets by on her looks?

So Paltrow was born into the easy life and has had everything handed to her. So did Paris Hilton, but I don’t write articles about how much I despise her. What’s the difference? Paris Hilton doesn’t try and offer the working class advice on how to live their life and raise their children.

Yes, the privileged, brainless twig that is Gwyneth Paltrow has deemed herself worthy of sharing her home life tips with us simple folk. The sheer gall of this person to think she could apply her home life routines to ours is unbelievable. The fact that the advice offered on her website and newsletter (with the every-so-catchy name of ‘GOOP’) is so hair-yankingly ridiculous it’s hard to imagine that ANYONE would consider such things good advice, let alone something worthy of publication.

Man, that’s one big pile of goop.

Paltrow has an easy life. She is one of the lucky ones. But it would be preferable for her to take that life and live it quietly somewhere up on a hill than for her to try and turn herself into a lifestyle guru. Under the downright insultingly headed feature ‘Tips for Real Working Mums’ this is illustrated to a tee. Putting aside the fact that the ‘real’ and ‘working’ mums offering the advice include a Hollywood actress, venture capitalist Juliet de Baubigny, fashion designer Stella McCartney you’d have to live in one thick walled bubble to think that these ‘tips’ would be applicable to the average punter.

How many working mums can book their private personal trainer to visit them on Monday to get them pumped for the week? No doubt the same ones who need advice on which beauty parlor can get them their weekly pedi, mani and massage inside of just 70 minutes. God knows that they’re going to need to be relaxed when they have to try and limit the amount of time their kids spend playing on their individual iPads (“what up gamers?”, Gwyneth adds as there are no doubt thousands of gamers following her retarded advice). Get an ‘amazing personal assistant’ is one thing these “real working mums” could all agree on. Not to forget the helpful tip to have your fishmonger deliver at least twice a week so you’ve got a fresh catch on hand for a quick fish dinner.

Who the living fuck has a fishmonger?!

Apart from Asterix.

This advice comes from the same brain hemorrhaging simpleton whose recommendations for family-friendly restaurants feature kids macroni-and-cheese starting at $25. Who suggested that, it being the beginning of winter, her readers should invest in some new boots. She had done just that and posts up a list of some of her favourites – a list that totaled more than $5000 worth of shoes. In one case she suggested one $230 pair as a ‘cheap substitute’ for a $1095 pair.

I’m going to say it again. This newsletter is written for real working mums. Please tell me that this twit is on crack when she writes this stuff.

“Oh hai! I’m a fucking moron!”

Speaking of crack, she has a tendency to over react. She has been quoted as saying that she would “rather smoke crack than use cheese from a can”. We can’t all afford gourmet deliveries, bitch.

Moving past the awfulness of GOOP, let’s look at her insane attempts to get public approval. First we can look at why Gwyneth is a 9/11 hero. When the first plane it and the buildings started to fall some brave souls ran pellmell into that disaster to save their fellow man. While they were doing this Gwyneth was…somewhere else. BUT before the attack began she was driving through New York and almost flattened a pedestrian with her over-sized SUV. That pedestrian missed their tube after having to retreat back to sidewalk to avoid the oncoming maniac, leading to her being late for work at the WTC, leading to her being out of the office when the planes struck.

Paltrow publicly takes credit for saving this girls life.

She’s the hero we deserve, but not the one we ever want.

No doubt the name Gabrielle Giffords rings a bell. She was tragically shot in the head by a would-be assassin. After hours of intense surgery where skull fragments and necrotic tissue was removed from her brain she was put into an induced coma to rest her severally damaged cranium. The recovery process was long and difficult.

Obviously Gwyneth felt that she had to do everything she could – so she called a press conference to announce the world that she was in fact Giffords second cousin. What she didn’t do was make any contribution, pay a visit or in any way do anything that could be considered useful. Instead she called together the mouthpieces of the world press to let everyone know that this severely injured woman whose family were anxiously waiting at her bedside, who Gwyneth Paltrow HAD NEVER MET, was in some way related to her.

WHO.

THE.

FUCK.

WOULD.

CARE.

YOU.

VAPID.

MORON.

These are the actions of a person who have convinced themselves that they are relevant by their good fortune of being born wealthy. Gwyneth Paltrow needs to shut the fuck up and get out of my world. The motto of her website is MAKE, GO, GET, DO, BE and SEE. She makes it all seem so easy – all you need is an endless supply of money and a nanny for each child.

Her #1 piece of advice for parents? “Get at least seven hours of uninterrupted sleep a night”. On behalf of every parent who has an actual job, and who personally gets out of bed to settle their young children, I’d like to invite you – Gwyneth Paltrow – to take your website, print it out and cram the entire lot of it up your narrow rectum.

But maybe there’s another perspective I’m not considering. Maybe her advice has been of use to other people with unlimited income. Or they don’t take advice from a freaking idiot who has custom made ear-mufflers made for her children to attend their fathers rock concerts. Because they won’t need that hearing later in life.

GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

Category : Movie Reviews
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