Ten Things that ‘The Avengers’ Could’ve Done Better

So I saw The Avengers again. Not surprising really – it’s the best thing going until The Dark Knight Rises comes out. Instead of fan gushing onto the internet once more I thought I’d try a different tack – I’ll try and compile a list of everything the movie it poorly. How hard could it be to nitpick what is at heart a big dumb blockbuster? The results…well, it’s still bloody fantastic. But I went in with a mission and I’m going to damn well deliver.

10. Hawkeye’s short term memory problems

This is the kind of issues that I’m forced to rely on if I’m going to make up this list. When an entry is this petty I’ll be including a picture of Tom Petty. That’s how petty it is.

At the beginning of the film Loki puts the whammy on a small number of characters including Clint ‘Hawkeye’ Barton. During this exchange Nick Fury tries to get information out of Loki, who tells Fury what his name is. Later when Hill encounters Hawkeye and Loki in the garage she asks who Loki is, only for Hawkeye to respond that he never said his name. BUT HE DID!

Maybe he was distracted by something…

9. Captain America’s short term memory problems

Before heading into to New York for a nice big showdown Steve Rogers asks Black Widow if she can fly one of the jets. Um, who dropped you off the first time you butted heads with Loki again?

8. Loki Doesn’t Make An Escape

When a bunch of superheroes are dragging you of the jail and then start knocking the crap out of each other, take the chance to do a runner. Sure it turns out that his plan was to get into SHIELD HQ to piss off the Hulk but the fact that he didn’t take off really should’ve been a clue to Iron Man, Cap. and Thor.

7. So…who is this council?

Or maybe it’s just a super high-tech Facebook?

A couple of times during the movie we witness Fury in conference with a council of shadowy people to whom he seems to answer to. What we don’t know is who these people are. They give him orders and he shows them a degree of respect, but they don’t seem able to disciple him when he ignores them. Are they part of the American government or are they an international body?

6. Black Widow has a Super Stealthy Jacket!

When Black Widow rocks up to Loki’s cell she’s wearing a brown jacket…which VANISHES!!!

5. What’s with the glowy blue cube thingie?

Right, so this box deal has the power to open a dimensional rift but seriously what the hell is it? Where did it come from, who made it, what was it made for and how did it end up on Earth? In Captain America: The First Avenger we see Red Skull dig it out of a crypt and use it to make weapons, but they do very little to explain the magical McGuffin.

4. What’s the big deal with Earth?

Earth: Just Leave Us the Fuck Alone

Ok, let’s say they explain where this blue cube came from, how it works and why everyone wants it – why does anyone want Earth? Loki is keen to be the king of a world and the Chitauri (?) are a scrappy bunch but what’s their interest in Earth? Get the cube and bail, there’s no reason to trash the place once the portal is open. Considering how much they look down on our little planet it’s weird how much effort they expend on it.

3. It didn’t go long enough!

Rumour has it that up to half an hour was lopped of the final cut – bring on the Blu-Ray!

2. Yeah, I got nothing.

Skip to the last entry.

1. Gwyneth Paltrow is in it.

Even Britta agrees.

I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Years ago Rachel McAdam’s was the first actress offered the role of Pepper Potts. Why didn’t she take it? The movie could’ve been perfect!