The Top 5 Arnold Schwarzenegger Action Roles
As a child growing up in the 1980s and 90s, it was impossible to avoid the indomitable force that was Arnold Schwarzenegger. The man was ubiquitous, inescapable. By the late 1980s it felt like every six months AH-NULD was releasing a new banger action film. Simultaneously, Schwarzenegger was opening Planet Hollywood franchises, spearheading exercise programs for the nation’s youth, hobnobbing with heads of state, investing in real estate, and a myriad of other endeavors that made me wonder if the man ever slept. You can criticize his acting capabilities or the choices Schwarzenegger made while governor of California, but it is impossible to deny the man’s work ethic. If you’ve ever read Arnold Schwarzenegger’s autobiography “Total Recall” then you know that the best way to get Arnold to accomplish something is to tell him he can’t do it. He will just outwork you until the dream becomes a reality.
Yet at almost 78 years of age, Schwarzenegger now lives like a bohemian. He prefers the company of his miniature donkey Lulu, his miniature horse Whiskey, and his pig Schnelly; all three of which seem to have free reign of his house. Granted he still acts occasionally (FUBAR) and publishes a daily health/motivational news letter, but as a septuagenarian, Arnold Schwarzenegger seems more at ease doting on his three grandchildren rather than toting a machine gun. I’m genuinely happy the man seems to have found peace.
Having said that, in my cinema soul, Austria’s greatest export will always be the cigar chomping, muscle flexing, pithy quip delivering, ass-kicking action hero of my youth. With AH-NULD’s birthday one short day away, I thought it a fitting time to examine what I consider to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s best action film roles. Notice I said best roles, not best movies. It’s a clear distinction because what I consider to be Arnold’s best role is different from what I consider his best movie. I’ve also limited the list to action films because if I’m being honest, the only quality comedy role of his is as Julius Benedict in Twins. Other than that it is slim pickins.
Now much like Harry Tasker in True Lies, it’s time to tango.
#5 John Matrix in Commando
Director Mark L. Lester’s 1985 tour de force of pure unadulterated action mayhem is Schwarzenegger at his most extreme. It’s maximalist even for an Arnie action film and that’s saying something. Good Lord Schwarzenegger’s character’s name says it all! Colonel John Matrix? For real? That name announces to the world that you are a badass with the volume, authority, and timbre of a 1000 Valkyries. I mean our very first introduction to Matrix is him carrying a giant wooden log over his shoulder like it’s a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. That’s a clear indication that you do not fuck with this man. Yet in an act of stupidity so profound it might as well be a White House press release from the current administration, Dan Hedaya’s General Ernesto Arius has Matrix’s daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano) kidnapped to blackmail him into assassinating a political opponent. What ensues is a path of wanton mayhem of bullets, blood, and explosions as Matrix sets out to recover his daughter. Commando marks the beginning and sets the gold standard of pithy Arnie quips. “Don’t disturb my friend, he’s dead tired,” “I eat Green Berets for breakfast and right now I’m very hungry!” and “Let off some steam Bennett!” are some of my personal favorites. It all culminates in a one man assault on Arius’ complex, where Matrix proceeds to take on an entire army by himself amidst a maelstrom of bullets, explosions, and rocket launchers. And for a cherry on top, we are treated to an epic fight between Matrix and ex-team member Bennett, played by perpetual 80s baddie Vernon Wells. Yet Bennett’s death isn’t some simple gunshot to the brainpan. Oh no. Matrix impales him with a steam pipe. For many Arnie aficionados, Commando serves as the best example of a Schwarzenegger action film, and it’s easy to see why. It’s as ridiculous as it is riveting.
#4 Douglas Quaid in Total Recall
1990’s Total Recall, proves to be a unique entry in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s film lexicon. While most of AH-NULD’s movies up to this point portrayed him as a larger than life, almost mythical hero; Schwarzenegger plays Douglas Quaid as an everyman. He’s a Mars obsessed, mild mannered construction worker that yearns for more and feels he’s meant for a higher purpose. Strangely it makes him relatable. Of course when Quaid discovers he’s actually an undercover spy all Hell breaks loose. As the film unfolds we see Schwarzenegger at his posterior kicking best, whether it’s killing Cohaagen’s (Ronny Cox) doctors with an armrest, shooting Sharon Stone in the head and proclaiming, “Consider that a divorce,” or disposing of mutant Benny (Mel Johnson Jr.) with a drill. And of course the “Get ready for a surprise!” scene in Mars customs is simply iconic. Over the years much has been made of the unique nature of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s yelling. I mean who among us has not imitated an Arnie “GRAAHHHAAAAAA!!!!!” from time to time. Schwarzenegger’s grunts and yells are on full display here, probably moreso than any other of his movies. Yet Schwarzenegger’s Quaid comes off more compassionate and empathetic than other films, particularly when it comes to the plight of the mutant insurgents on Mars. Total Recall proves to be a classic sci-fi actioner from visionary director Paul Verhoeven, and Schwarzenegger’s best film in my opinion.
#3 Conan in Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer
There’s no way I could leave off the role that made Arnold Schwarzenegger a star. Although Arnold had some notoriety with the classic 1977 documentary Pumping Iron and a few small roles in films like Stay Hungry and The Villain, it was his part as the titular sword and sandal hero Conan that made him a household name. Schwarzenegger’s lead performances in the 1982 John Milius classic Conan the Barbarian and Ruben Fleischer’s less successful 1984 sequel Conan the Destroyer, brought author Robert E. Howard’s Hyborian hero to life in a way that’s yet to be duplicated. (The less said about Jason Momoa’s 2011 reboot the better.) Schwarzenegger brings a quiet intensity to the role that I believe is severely overlooked. There’s so many scenes where it’s just him, yet by Crom, Schwarzenegger still manages to command your attention. Despite being less loquacious than a turnip (especially in the first film), Arnold is nevertheless able to convey a ton with just his eyes and a brooding scowl. I’ll never forget the scene in Barbarian where Gerry Lopez’s Subotai reminds Conan that their only duty is to steal back King Osric’s daughter, and Arnold’s Conan gives him a glare that says ” I’m Conan. I will do whatever the fuck I want.” His interactions with Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) in Barbarian and his violent and epic battle with the Dagoth in Destroyer are riveting. Watching this dude whip and wield a sword around across two films is a thing of beauty. Whenever I hear Mako’s voiceover say “Now hear you the days of high adventure!” and the Basil Poledouris score kicks in, I can’t wait for Schwarzenegger’s Cimmerian sensation to appear on screen. I sincerely hope that the long gestating King Conan: Crown of Iron happens before it is too late.
#2 The Terminator in the Terminator franchise
While Conan the Barbarian made Arnold Schwarzenegger a household name, 1984’s The Terminator directed by James Cameron, proved he was the real deal. Originally, Cameron wanted Schwarzenegger for the Kyle Reese role but Arnie was able to convince him otherwise. Thank God Arnie’s powers of persuasion held sway because I can’t imagine the history of cinema without Schwarzenegger’s role as the eponymous cyborg. Cold, relentless, and lacking in pity, remorse, or fear, Schwarzenegger plays the T-800 Terminator like a slasher in the first film. He’s menacing and terrifying and absolutely owns the role. It’s a stark contrast to Schwarzenegger’s turn in Terminator 2: Judgment Day where he serves as a protector for John Connor. There’s a true arc for the cybernetic organism in the second film consisting of a few comedic elements and even a little vulnerability. By the time Arnie utters the words, “I know now why you cry, but it’s something I can never do” it is an absolute emotional gut punch. Schwarzenegger’s performance often gets outshined by the incredible action set pieces in Judgment Day, but make no mistake, the conscious acting choices Arnold makes in that film cement it as a stone cold classic. Sadly, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s role as the Terminator yielded diminishing returns after the second installment, yet it’s a part so iconic I can’t envision anyone else in that role. If you think of Arnold Schwarzenegger, you automatically think of his Terminator character. Honestly, that’s the definitive first, last, and only statement on the subject.
#1 Dutch in Predator
“Dillon! You son of a bitch!”
If you’re an Arnie fan and you hear those words, the bro shake between Schwarzenegger’s Dutch and Carl Weathers’ Dillon automatically fills your mind. Director John McTiernan’s 1987 classic gave audiences not just an action film for the ages, but undoubtedly Arnold Schwarzenegger’s best role as Dutch, the head of a paramilitary mercenary rescue team. From the moment the muscled Dutch steps off a helicopter and lights a cigar to his climactic mud soaked mano y mano battle with an extraterrestrial hunter, you can’t take your eyes off of Schwarzenegger. Ironically, it’s a quasi distorted version of The Terminator with Dutch in the Sarah Connor role. He goes from hunter to hunted. Schwarzenegger’s Dutch exudes leadership and fearlessness and puts his team first. With the likes of actors like Bill Duke (Mac), Jesse Ventura (Blain), Carl Weathers (Dillon), and Sonny Landham (Billy) surrounding him, there’s so much testosterone in Predator it might as well be John Holmes’ cock. Yet Schwarzenegger’s Dutch just exudes cool. The fact that he’s wily and cunning, using the jungle against the Predator, demonstrates his resourcefulness and ingenuity. He’s the kind of dude you’d follow into Hell, and Schwarzenegger’s own real life leadership qualities shine through in Predator. Oh what I would have given to see a team-up with Dutch and Predator 2‘s Mike Harrigan!
While Arnold Schwarzenegger’s best action film days are probably behind him, thank Crom we have a plethora of excellent roles to enjoy for decades.
