10 Shitty Fictional Presidents Who Would Be Better Than Trump


So. Here’s the thing. Those in the good ol’ USA would occasionally see Trump campaign ads turning up on this very site. We got some complaints and looked into taking them down, but it was a long process and figured that in the few weeks the problem would have gone away. It’s not like people are actually going to elect the buffoon, right?

Right?

Oh.

Given the fact that the new President of the USA is a sexual abuser, a racist, a homophobe, a sexist and a petty, small minded bully I thought I’d drum up a couple of suggestions for replacements who, while they are terrible, aren’t as bad as Trump.

President Frank Underwood

House of Cards

BAM. BAM.

BAM. BAM.

So Frank Underwood is an evil, manipulative and diabolical sociopath who blackmails and murders his way in to the oval office. But he’d be better than Trump because he has an uncanny understanding of the political system, has an insight into how people operate and genuinely cares about his country. He even pushes a highly unpopular bill to remove welfare because he felt it would make the nation stronger. He may be a dangerous psychopath but he knows the job better than anyone.

President Merkin Muffley

Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

merkin-muffley

Muffley gets caught up in the worst crisis in American military history. When General Jack D. Ripper sends the US bombers in Russian airspace with the intention of starting a nuclear war it’s up to the president and the Russian leader to find a diplomatic solution before the world literally explodes. But he’s incredibly weak-willed and cowardly, allowing everyone and all to push him around, pleading with the Russian Premier to let him ‘finish what he’s saying’. He may be weak, but he’s not actively threatening to nuke his enemies.

President Will Cooper

Pixels

pixels-kevin-james

Being played by Kevin James in an Adam Sandler movie may work strongly against him, and being totally illiterate certainly doesn’t earn him any points either. Plus he murdered a Smurf. Then again, it’s important that a leader understands his people and Cooper feels very much like a hard working, blue collar American. He certainly didn’t come from a millionaire family, get raised on hand-outs, have a safety net every time he sunk a business and has golden fucking doors on his apartment.

President Lex Luthor

DC Comics

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This one is a literal super-villain, one who has been the bane of Superman since his early days. A diabolical businessman and tech genius, Luthor rose to the office of President in recent years. He may be one of the most evil figures in comics but he outright crushes Trump in politics. He pushed a prohibition on fossil fuels with the intention of advancing technology to strengthen the country and improve the environment, he rebuilt Gotham after it was destroyed by earthquakes and abandoned by the previous government and successfully co-ordinated the army with superheroes to prevent and alien invasion. Sure, he was turning all these events to his own advantage but look at the good he did! Plus, Luthor has a much better head of hair.

President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

Idiocracy

In a future when where the average intelligence has dramatically dropped and the US infrastructure has completely crumbled, only one man can run the show. A former wrestler decked out in American flags, riding a chopper and packing high powered automatic weapons during presidential address, Camacho is an extreme choice who is not capable of acting diplomatically. But damn if he doesn’t represent the American ideal. He takes no crap and says what he thinks and intimidates his opponents – but he’s not sexist, racist or homophobic so that makes him a better person than Trump.

President Dr. Gaius Balter

Battlestar Galactica

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This slimy little weasel of a person has a lot to answer for. He spends the bulk of BSG talking to an evil Cylon robot that no-one else can see, and contributes to the almost total eradication of the human race. Eventually he runs for President of what is left based on a platform of settling a new planet. This turns out to be a spectacularly bad idea made even worse when the Cylons themselves arrive to finish wiping out and enslaving the humans, to which he immediately surrenders. So he ruined everything for everyone…but at least he was trying to do the right thing for them. Tell me when Trump manages that.

President Jack Cahill

Escape From L.A.

escape-from-la-president

Those are the eyes of a sane person.

Cahill set himself up to be President for Life following a national tragedy – an earthquake that separated L.A. from the mainland. Basing his platform on his strong religious views Cahill determines that all those who live a sinful life must be dumped on the now isolated a fortified L.A., which has degenerated in anarchy and mayhem. What really makes him a shitty person, however, is when his daughter is brainwashed into joining some rebels who want to stop the President’s dictatorship and he leaves her to die and tries to murder the man who was sent to rescue her. But at least he’s not weirdly sexually fixated on his adult daughter, that would be really creepy.

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President Alan Richmond

Absolute Power

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Hey, it’s another murderer. Richmond had a mistress who started causing him a bit of bother so, naturally, he has her murdered. Did we mention the victim is the wife of his best friend? Yeah, he’s a nasty piece of work all round. He then pins the crime on a jewel thief who happened to be in the White House at the time, and then tries to murder his daughter when she cottoned on to what was happening. He’s an adulterer and has no problem with people getting killed if they’re in the way, not unlike the time Trump set out to prevent a child in his family from getting cancer treatment out of spite. Except what Trump did there is worse, because he was preventing a child from getting cancer treatment because he’s a petty piece of dirt.

President Coriolanus Snow

The Hunger Games

president-snow

Jeez, this one is evil. He outright murders someone during a dinner party with his friends and just carries on like nothing happened. Every year he rounds up the a bunch of children from the poor districts and forces them to murder each other for the entertainment of the population. How can this irredeemably evil man be a better option than Trump? Well, he was better at orchestrating a reality TV show for one thing…The Hunger Games was a much bigger success than The Apprentice. And whilst his demented outlook was pure horror, at least it worked, which is more than you can say about Trump’s business ventures. Trump Steak? Trump University? The man is a snake oil salesman.

You

Saint’s Row IV

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Have you played a Saint’s Row game? It’s like Grand Theft Auto without the restraint. You play as a complete lunatic who attacks people with giant purple dildos and drives around with a sewage truck spraying shit on people for fun. Mass murder, gang warfare and other deplorable behaviour is the order of the day. Then, at the beginning of the fourth game, you prevent a terrorist attack by grabbing on to an in-flight nuclear missile to disarm it (to the tune of ‘I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing’) before crashing into the White House and, well, just taking charge. So…how does this anti-social maniac version of every gamer beat Trump? Well, on the way to a press conference you can choose to end world hunger of cure cancer. So you are a better person than Trump. Good job.

So that’s the list of terrible Presidents I’d have voted for over Trump. Good luck out there.

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